simple thoughts

Several years ago I helped a struggling devotee out, he had no were to live, no means to support himself and was under pressure to store things from his recently failed marriage. A van was hired and we traveled down and picked his belongings up that was nearly four years ago.

When I first looked at the stuff we picked up I could only have described it as junk, why would anyone wish to hold onto such things, but each item had a meaning, this was my son’s, this was my nana’s; sadly I resented it.

After a while I could see by the help of some senior devotees that stayed that there was may devotional things hidden away in each box; but still I resented it who would neglect such devotional items came the thought.

Now finally some arrangements have been made for the things stored to be sorted through and those he wishes to keep moved elsewhere and I must admit I am feeling sad at the thought.

For over the years it has helped to teach me some important lessons:

The meaning of attachment: we put so much emphasis on an object, a coat, a chair a surf board and by this we create an attachment tying us to a person and a Pacific point in time; this binds us to the material world.
The meaning of tolerance and understanding: To see things not as a hinderance or as an inconvenience, seeing the insults flown in my direction when I’ve previously asked them to be moved, my own intolerance and impatience not understanding there position or mental health condition and not seeing the things Krishna was trying to teach me but I was too blind or stub-en to see.
That although the devotee kept on going to India and falling down and appearing to be unable to take responsibility for himself, his things or his actions the simple thing was they were trying to do something in service to Krishna even though imperfectly.

And so have I learnt anything?

I sometimes think words are indeed better than practice; it’s easy to talk the talk of a good battle plan than fight the fight of a good battle.

I’ve recently taken in again another struggling devotee who has many problems, sadly I see that rather than taking responsibility for there own actions there is a resentment of the devotees if they did this or if they did that; I’ve come with love and Krishna they come with harsh words and chastisement.

Indeed this was what the devotee who has been storing the things at my house leveled at me; especially when I suggested we dispose as it is his cause of attachment and as he has not needed it for several years he will never need it. What did I know about the level of attachment nor the needs of the devotee at that point.

I see this new devotee I’ve just taken in struggling, he cannot establish his identity so unable to get social security; the only work history was a few months paid work at The Manor in 2003 so he blames the Manor devotees for his struggle “They know my national insurance number they have it but won’t look for it; I went there with love and they are just out to hurt me” Hum?

It’s a view, but I am sure if I went to the hospital I was working at in 2003 I would get the same response after all records that long ago are archived and stored off sight. And there are other ways of proving identity, passport, drivers license previous addresses were you lived even a birth certificate.

But to gain these is proving difficult; they ask to many questions, I have to fill in these forms and it will take six weeks, they want money to do the search, they need more information and I can’t be bothered.

Sadly I see that again it’s the devotees who are trying to help that become the targets; but when we struggle in material and spiritual life isn’t that what we do look for the escape goat “it wasn’t me gov it was him/her if they did this then things would be different”

Krishna in many ways reflects back through others our own attachments, our own intolerance, our own unreasonable expectations and the way we or should I say myself have blamed others (even devotees for my position)

And it reminds me of several years ago I went with my list of excuses to my Guru Maharaja why I wasn’t progressing and struggling in devotional life the culprits had names and I was sure once I told him the facts he too would see it my way.

Well not quite I did not have even a chance to speak he looked at me and in a voice unexpected simply stated “I’m not interested in anything you have to say; for you yourself have put yourself in this position; realize this deal with it and once you’ve sorted yourself out then we will talk”

I tried to protest rage welling up inside of me; how dare he; he’s not even heard my side of the story get and although I stayed for class my rage remained growing by the second.

Krishna was dealing with me, with my heart and with my mind for as I drove home I made it as far as the first service station; no further.

I sat crying for the words hit home the situation I was in was truly my own making, my own pride, my own attachment to emotions and feelings and through these I was offending the devotees trying to help making by making them my escape goats my excuses.

I also remembered a class my guru maharaja gave and he said he would give us the true answer as to why we are suffering in the material world; when we get up in the morning and look in the mirror look at who’s staring back thats the reason your suffering in the material world.

And when I look in the mirror who do I see; the true cause of my misery and suffering, the true hinderance to my spiritual life.

The one the only yours truly ME.

And so for those we meet and who are struggling even though we may try to help, guide and direct they can only choose the direction they wish to take for themselves; and sadly you may find even though your intentions are well meaning you will be named and shamed on there list of people who have stopped them progressing in spiritual/material life.

For simply that is the nature of material life, to look for the escape goat when all else fails.

But the reality is that the only real escape goat is staring at us when we look in the mirror; it’s simply ourselves. Once we realize this then we truly start to understand our own position and become humble enough to seek guidance from the devotees, Sri Guru and Krishna.

The other day I was talking to a college of mine and they were noting the amount of divorces recently, as I left my phone went and it was a friend of mine saying that they felt the marriage was ending after a long time. Then during a visit to another friend they were also telling me how they felt there marriage too was coming to an end; sadly this time after a very short spell.

The one thing I noted is that there appears to be two areas and reasons for divorce: financial and break down of communication.

They don’t provide for me, they don’t listen to me, they don’t appreciate me; the love has gone.

Interesting that it was not so long ago I was talking to a devotee about the current economic climate and the strains it’s putting on people and relationships especially if the situation gets to the point were the house is being repossessed as many are on short hours; or work through an agency and see the pay being cut as businesses aim to realign there books.

Sadly I have also noted that in many divorces even if the person says they care for and still love the person they are interested in making sure they don’t get “my money” or as little as possible whilst the other sees it as there right to take as much as possible as “they owe it to me”

The thing is that more and more we are seeing relationship breakups and the more breakups we see the bitter people become, the more defensive and protective of self I’ll never let this happen to me again.

But still the desire.

I want to be close to some one, I wish one day to have a family, I desire some form of home life, I don’t want to be on my own.

And so after the break-up and some time they enter into another relationship again putting vast amounts of energy into it; this one will be different this one will last I’ve learnt my lesson and won’t make the same mistake again. It is not unusual to hear people say I’m on my second or third marriage with some saying “well we will just live together then if it goes wrong we can just go our separate ways” if only the theory was that simple to put into practice.

Even friends are pulled apart during a break-up this person is my friend, why you talking to this person I thought you were my friend; and so the loyalties of friends and work partners are stretched. But still the pursuit is there why?

The soul needs to connect; we need to connect and feel a part of something, wanted needed to love and be loved, to share, to talk with, to feel needed and understood.

And so we try to connect with some one to fill the needs and desires, ever disappointed, ever thinking if only.

The reality is that unless we fully connect with Krishna the soul will forever be searching, and how do we connect with Krishna?

Through his devotees, but because of our material bodies and the influence of the mind even these can be difficult.

For those who we see make a success of marriage we see a constant adjustment to circumstances facing the tough times together as well as the good times; but one thing I have noticed is that there has to be a willingness to listen, ponder and even acknowledge the persons point of view and Yes even say “Sorry”

If worked on and worked at it appears to bring rich rewards, there is nothing finer than to see a loving caring family.

So we have to work on our relationships with devotees for the rewards are far greater than that of a loving caring family, and for those who are able to combine the two it is always something that for onlookers is a thing of real beauty; but if you ask them they they will tell you it’s hard work and does not come easy.

And may be thats the point we want things now, we want things to come with ease, we don’t wish to work too hard on things; an easy life for me. Simply unwilling to work through problems and the trials that material life throws up; for as one person said during the great recession of the 1920 “As long as we have God and each other, even if we have nothing more than that I consider my life to be truly successful”

Krishna, a loving partner and a caring relationship with devotees will make up for many a material shortfall, unless we value material wealth more.

Today I was thinking about how we are conditioned to look for and enter relationships, and how we either are seen or feel like a failure if not in one; and no matter how much we get hurt there is a continuation in the pursuit.

I was thinking how as a young child if you play with another child of the opposite sex intuitively someone will say “ow I see you have a little girlfriend/boyfriend” in reality they simply have a play mate nothing more nothing less but the conditioning has already started; the pursuit of that special someone.

So we progress with the thought that there is a need for that special someone and as the hormones kick in no one wants to be seen as the odd one out, and so tentative relationships are formed, and again the older ones go “ow that’s nice, my little one is all grown up”

With each relationship and each breakup we become a little more bitter, another defense comes up but still we continue, may be just may be this will be the one, i’ve learnt from my last relationship I’ll never make that mistake again.

Then old age and still the desire is there, the desire to be wanted, needed to be seen as desirable and when the realization that there is no more hope the body luster has gone and we are no longer able to attract people the sparkle goes from the eyes, bitterness sets in, regrets for loves lost and relationship’s that could have been.

For those who are fortunate and as the age of Kali progresses those will slowly become the few a life of devotion and service to the one we love, but time progresses and we watch the loved one’s body deteriorate and eventually death. No amount of love or care will prevent that, again the sparkle goes from the eye and in many cases they too leave there body not long after.

It reminded me how it was not so long ago it would have been recorded as death through a broken heart; it is considered non-scientific so is no longer used but is still talked about. That the one we lavished so much love onto is no longer there and so the lust for life goes as there meaning for living is gone.

We look into many care homes and we can see people who’s sparkle has left them, the one’s who they cared for who they lavished so much love onto have deserted them, there role as the provider the care giver is no longer there; rejected they sit there just waiting for the inevitable end to life many wishing it seeing it to be an end to there suffering.

For those who find it hard in so called human relationships the need to love and care for someone is so much that what happens is there is a pet dog or cat but over time they become old and die, replaced by one or another eventually the pain becomes too much they are no longer replaced, the sparkle from the eye goes and sadly eventually the life air.

The reality is simple, we all need someone, we all need to feel wanted and cared for, we all need to serve someone or something in a particular way or manor; for in reality this is our eternal nature, the true nature of the soul.

It is our good fortune that we have been given the opportunity to serve, the opportunity to understand the true nature of the soul; that eternally the soul needs to serve Krishna; in the material world we do this through service to our guru maharaja and other devotees.

Even in married life, single life, youth, old age this service remains the same.

The difference though is this although we see practically that the taste of serving others in the material world goes, leaving us bitter and broken hearted, if Krishna is centre even in the material world our heart will never be broken, the sparkle in our eyes will never go; even as the material body we find ourselves in ceases to function, giving us so much pain.

Simple eternal service, eternal love, eternally being and feeling love is there; this is found only when we reconnect with the soul, to reconnect with the soul means reconnecting with our eternal position; humble servants to Krishna.

One thing that is always hard is to admit your own limitations, failings and faults; but this is essential not only in devotional life but also in our personal and professional life.

To be truthful I am just an average nurse despite all my talk this is the reality; and that I have a tendency to be over critical especially towards management which does me no favors; that due to my personality any possibility of a long term friendship is almost impossible so long periods of loneliness has to be endured.

I am reminded of one of the things my guru mahraja once said to me; I left in tears vowing never to talk to him again, nor to go to any more ISKCON centers: “the problems you face and the hostility you find people are towards you is all of your own making, don’t blame them deal with yourself for as it stands your not a very nice person”

Harsh? Probably! but as I drove home with anger in my eyes pulling over at the very first motor-way services tears welling up in my eyes; it hit me that these were not harsh words but words of truth. They were not said to hurt but to awaken and shake my to the core of my soul; isn’t that what the spiritual master is meant to do?

This week is only the third time in my professional career I have had to admit that for a client it is best that I no longer work with them; spending some time talking to his parents explaining the reasons. They were happy with what I had done thus far and the progress made but also astonished by my honesty; so handing the care needed to a more qualified member of staff.

Yes the pride takes a huge denting and those who have worked along side me with the client are also a little shocked by my discussion noting the changes they have seen in him and his growing confidence; but reality is I have done as much as I can and for his welfare handing over his case is the best thing.

But there is consequences for this I am aware; I have not endeared myself to the management for one of the companies I work with being somewhat forthright and outspoken and it is not a hidden fact that they would like to get rid of me. I am sure this will give then the window of opportunity needed, so in many ways I’ve written my own p45 and sealed my own fate; but what to do this is of my own making and some will be more than happy to see my go.

The words of my Guru Maharaja is ringing loudly in my ears; I am reaping the consequence of what I have sown so why complain. For me the needs of the client comes first and this brings me many times in direct conflict with management and sometimes colleges.

I am tired of the continual battle, I am tired of seeing the hurt, distress and misery of material life; but I am as big a disaster in trying to progress on a spiritual path as I am a disaster in both material and professional life.

It has made me think, and although I have not felt this low and isolated for a long time I consider myself also quite fortunate, immeasurably so; for I have Krishna and a Guru Maharaja who cares so much for me and tolerates all my faults.

I have so much to be grateful for and the only thing I need to be saved from is myself and Krishna is so caring he has given me all facility to do just that.

For several years I worked not only in an NHS hospital but also for one night a week a small private hospital down the road, a contrast to say the least both in philosophy and organizational structure.

Whilst doing the induction days at the private hospital one thing was that the liaison officer gave a talk on “owning the problem”

The thrust was simple if a client was experiencing a problem we would take ownership of that problem till either it is solved of is being dealt with directly by the best person to resolve the issue. That to give a name or department to contact was not good enough we needed to make sure it was being dealt with and that the issue was being resolved.

Out of all the courses I’ve attended over the years this is one that has somehow lodged in my brain and appears a good rule and way of working; if faced with a problem or complaint to take ownership of it and try to resolve it for the person rather than sending them often on a name chasing marry-go-round.

So I am making arrangements to spend some time at a temple other than were I usually go for service and association this also at a request of my Guru Maharaja in line with his visit so my thinking was that it should be straight forward; or so one would think.

A phone call there ask to speak to the devotee who deals with visitors who may need to stay and well there you go problem solved.

Well not quite, the reception was very helpful explaining first that there is no accommodation or facilitates for visitors but once I explained the reasons for me going the mood indeed changed; well I’m sure they can accommodate you lets see I’ll give you a number.

So I rung the number, I don’t deal with this prabhu try this one, so I did with the same result after leaving and receiving messages from seven devotees I was a little bemused surely there must be one person who can give me an answer or at least if they can’t directly help me talk to the devotee who could; working on the fact it is not a large temple and by this point I must have spoken to most of the senior devotees there.

Desperate times and frustration was setting in the phone call marry-go-round added with the old gremlin of finding fault with devotees soon rearing it’s head which is not good. So I sent an e-mail for help to one of the senior Srila Prabhupada disciples remembering some good words he once said to me some time ago “it is not who you talk to but that you talk to the right person”; which appears to be a small but significant fault of mine talking to the wrong person.

So almost instantly I get a response back, another contact number (ow NO, not again) and a notation mention my name and if any problems get back to me; the fact that there was an understanding of the need to stay at the temple given the circumstances and reasons for staying and distance needed to be traveled.

Another phone call this time with a totally different result, I don’t deal with this but leave it with me I’m sure we can accommodate you, within a day there was conformation that I could indeed stay in the ashram there for the period of my Guru Maharaja’s stay. Could I just confirm the dates of arrival and leaving.

However I was some what amused to find that the e-mail ping-back had the name of the first devotee contacted in regards to this matter; more surprisingly was that it stated he was in-charge of the ashram, so I was wondering then if I had spoken to the right person to start off with.

It reminded me of this simple course on ownership of the problem and how the two busiest people took the time to help solve the problem; the busy temple president took ownership of the problem, despite the huge work-load phoned and checked on the situation and assisted making sure that the arrangements were all in place; but may be it explains more the qualities found in the temple president and senior devotees.

For over the past year I have learnt one valuable lesson it is easy to find fault with devotees in position, but if you ask them humbly for help and listen carefully to the advice being given then doors will open and progress made; but a personal shift in mentality is needed.

And as to my hopes to become a pujari, well there is a number of suggestions put forward, including practical things I can start to do now; so by Krishna’s mercy one day my desire will be fulfilled as long as I can control my mind as well as my emotions.

When we look at the pictures of the British Rage in India we see them in expensive Rolls Royce cars and opulent homes so the impression is that the ruling class at the time was rich and wealthy; but the true story was that actually the cars and homes were not owned by the British but by a small selection of wealthy Indians a point often overlooked.

When we look at women in many ways we are sold a false image a beauty that is not actually real but made up using make-up and figure altering clothes; but again a point often overlooked being captivated by external appearance.

When we look closely whilst a women is looking for her soul mate we see that the men will sell her an image of what they believe she is looking, yes I am successful, rich, caring and an all round good guy; again overlooking the true nature or reality well to be truthful I earn minimum wage and am working in what can only be described as a dead end job.

Then there is advertising, this gadget will enhance your life, this food or clothing will improve your image, use this and it will make you more attractive to the opposite sex; in reality in most cases all it does is drain our finances with no fulfillment of the promise given in the advert.

Then there is the way we deal with ourselves and others, don’t we do the same? We create an image of ourselves depending on the audience we are talking to? We sell an image to fit the situation in order to be liked, accepted, needed; hiding our true self.

Ask yourself are we actually ever for real not only with ourselves but in our dealings with others?

This is probably one of the most difficult aspects of devotional life, is that we actually have to deal with the self, the true self; we see the imperfections and the areas that hinder progress.

Ok so we can try to cheat, it is easy if living outside of the temple/center to form an image of a first class devotee sold out entirely; and for short spells this is easily done but over time our true nature reveals itself.

This revelation of our true nature will determine if we can continue in devotee association, if we sort of hang around or leave being unable to cope with the true nature of self wrapping ourself in the comfort blanket of finding fault with others and laying the blame for our leaving firmly at there door.

So here I am having to make arrangements to stay at Soho Street temple my initial plan was simply to go for a day then off back to The Manor; I’ve only ever been to Soho Street twice and to be truthful have gone to great lengths to avoid going. But my own guru maharaja wrote back noting that he was hoping may be I would spend may be a bit more time at Soho Street (Gulp).

So I fired off the usual list of reasons why this was impractical only to get told “so I’m sure you can work around them” finally with no were to hide the need to again deal with myself for real no place to hide so whilst making arrangements for a new bhakta to see my guru maharaja as he wished to reconnect with him I wrote my true feelings.

For me Soho Street is scary (no not the devotees) but the place for me is claustrophobic, far to busy (before anyone notes that the manor is busy it’s big enough for you to escape the crowds); and traveling in London is stressful, I live in a small valley community there is no hustle or buss-al a traffic jam constitutes no more than half a dozen cars if that.

So does this honesty let me off the hook? (well no, so again a huge gulp)

For in Krishna Consciousness it is not only the fact that we end up being not only honest with self but with others and then we are given the opportunity to deal with the self, often with the support of others; with ultimate surrender to Krishna for without this surrender we or should I say “I” could not deal with the real me.

So again I am presented with this, absorption in Krishna, surrender to Krishna and a desire to follow instruction is were it’s at; unless I wish to hide in the material world and who really want’s to do this with all this false imagery and illusion?

Association and the mind, who we associate with reflects the state of our mind, who we associate with effects our state of mind, our mind craves attention and causes us so many problems but despite this we continue to listen to it.

But in reality we need association, the association of our peers in work, the association of friends, the association of family, the association of a loved one, and if on a spiritual path the association of those who are on the same spiritual path.

My mind tortures me so much, or more to the point I allow my mind to torture me. And yes it’s easy to surround myself with like minded people or those who make me feel elevated, intelligent and important (non of who’s qualities can be found in me if scrutinized).

The other day I was working with a bhakta during my visit to the Manor, sadly he was not only angry with the management unable to even listen of consider what they were saying (even though there words were ultimately given to help him).

As the rants and protests of how badly he felt treated it had an effect on me, draining me of all energy and the thought turned to returning home. Krishna was very merciful as he willed that I did not leave and the love of the devotees smothered the negative thoughts that I had allowed to enter my mind through association.

The following day again I was asked to work with the same Bhakta (ow no run away) as we started service he noted my notation that I was thankful for the matajis as they have convinced me that the single bramachari life is simple wonderful.

Sadly he could not see women other than the desire to use them to fulfill his own desire for sex, “they let you have so much at the start and when you get used to it they don’t let you so I leave” I was unsure if to admire his honesty or to wonder were his intelligence had gone.

Even after explaining the true relationship between man and woman, and that sex life and sex desire was simply not were it was at but the desire to work together in strengthening one another in service to Krishna. “I know I know came the reply but I need sex” HUM?

Sadly this is the state of things:

Women give themselves to men, men use the women and both end up getting angry and bitter with each other.

Simply because there is no Krishna,

We are led by the mind and it’s desire, I need, I want, I need, I want, I need, I want. Making plans to fulfill the gross needs of the body not the needs of the mind.

This is simply facilitated by our association, yep you need that man bed him then he will be yours, yep bed them and leave them after all there’s a lot of women out there just begging for it. The media, films, TV soaps, advertising simply play to the desire of the mind attracting it away from any spiritual path.

Control the mind we control our destiny, we control the outcome of our life; but this is ultimately facilitated by those we associate with. As ultimately we take on the qualities of those we closely associate with.

But there is a need, a need for some one to touch, some one to hold, some one to snuggle up to at the end of a bad day with no sex one of my female friends were telling me; but men when you snuggle up for a hug just want sex; her loneliness was there in the tear in her eye.

For in truth we all need someone, we all need a group of friends, we all need to feel needed and wanted for nothing more than simply who we are, nothing more nothing less.

I realized that those self-realized souls were never alone even if it appeared so; for they were always absorbed in thoughts of Krishna; thus always in association with Krishna and hence the mind is controlled; settled and our dealings with others is gentle and uplifting.

So to control the mind is simply absorption in loving service of Krishna, the devotees; and thus although at times we have to associate with those who are absorbed in the thoughts of the mind in fulfillment of the desires of self we will remain transfixed in our love and focused on service.

It’s a thought but I am sure there is so much I have missed out, so to those who are more intelligent than me how do I bring my mind under control?

Over the past few months I have been busy proofreading Mother Urmila’s up-coming Activity Books that will work along side her children’s reading books.

The other day I was looking at one section and the Americanized Text; the difficulty in making them universal when taking into account the difference in spoken English and phraseology throughout the world; so the question going through my mind was “can I live with it as it is?” is the American English and grammar something that will not distract if read by a non-American?

As I looked and pondered and thought about it and the whole process of proofreading; why do we proofread? Is it to find fault, to look just at print and spelling, or how it looks and does it get the point over in a way that is easy and uncomplicated to the reader?

You see in the process of getting the books to the printers that a select few would read and make comments; but it is up to the writer in this case Mother Urmila if she agrees or alters it; but also the humbleness and gratitude for each activity book sent back with notes attached or questions on what one or two phrases mean.

So as this thought was going through my mind and the continuing question of is this necessary or needed I began to think of my own Guru Maharaja and the devotees that have had to deal with my irrational mind; did they too ask the same question?

Can he live with this imperfection and it not effect his progress spiritually?
Do I mention this area for consideration, will it help or hinder?
How do I adjust things to the culture and upbringing to help increase understanding and life the me out of the misery of material life?

Then what about Srila Prabhupada?

In a strange country, dealing with people who were part of the counter culture rebelling against almost everything and what to say of the gross materialism and sense enjoying (as the saying goes if you remember the 60′s you weren’t apart of it)

What questions went through his mind as he looked at ways of turning the hippies into Happies; from sense enjoyers to spiritual enjoyers.

THERE HAD TO BE SOMETHING

Similar to Mother Urmila who simply surrendered to a process in order to make sure her books are as perfect as they can be ready for the printers; we have to also surrender in order to start the process to make us ready to go home Back To Godhead.

We see how so many simply surrendered and followed the instructions of Srila Prabhupada and how in his letters he directed and instructed according to the person, there needs and personality. Some times gently sometimes not so gently but each in a way to help progress.

It reminded me of a time when I had been waiting for a reply from a question sent to my Guru Maharaja and as there was some time passed some anxiety was growing why had he not answered; the reply came with the opening statement pointing out that there was a delay as he was pondering the best way to reply the main question was AM I READY TO SURRENDER TO HIS DIRECTIONS AND INSTRUCTIONS?

Then I sat thinking of Mother Urmila, Krypamaya Dasa, Acharia and especially Dina Dayala DD and VishnuMaya DD and Candidasa Dasa who tolerated and put up with so much just to help get me to the stage of initiation; and how they have simply surrendered focused on following there Spiritual Masters instructions but more so looking at ways to encourage as many people as possible to also take up the mission elevating so many from material suffering.

With out True Surrender Were are We?

Back were we started just trying to enjoy my senses, squeezing out as much happiness as possible convincing myself that I am the enjoyer and that we don’t need God; what a state to be in but this is our position unless I first learn how to surrender and follow the instruction that will bring us eternal happiness in service to Krishna.

The other day I was reminded of how easy it can be to be lulled into a false sense of security especially when it comes to our devotional life, thinking one self secure or more elevated than we truly are.

My mind wondered to a devotee who I knew some time ago, he was one of the first men I meet as for the first six months I only had the association of the mataji’s. I was mesmerized by his knowledge that appeared to surpass that of the devotees who’s association I had had up to that time.

But as time went on things didn’t appear quite the way they should, especially as they described themselves as one of the only few pure devotees, my basic understanding at that time was the purest devotee at that time HDG Srila Prabhupada was so humble he never described himself as pure.

Then came the delusion I am so pure that unlike other devotees I can do so many things and not be contaminated; I remember sitting one day and watching a video of the early days of ISKCON so many wonderful devotees so much enthusiasm could I experience and do the same today?

Sadly the work of these devotees were lost, well he wasn’t serious, they did this, they ended up doing that, this one left in disgrace, there no longer a devotee. But in reality with out them there would be no ISKCON, no wonderful books, no expansion; but the devotee explained that only pure devotees like him could understand or experience the real meaning of Krishna.

I remember also how quickly he left and stopped practicing himself, no one truly knows what happened or when he actually left, it was sudden and closely followed by those who had alined themselves with him and felt the same way.

It’s a thought that periodically enters my mind and in many ways scares me

How quickly even in this lifetime we can forget Krishna
And how quickly we find fault with devotees, past and present; not seeing beyond the material faults and personalities and seeing the service and difference made and even expansion of Krishna Consciousness through out the world.

And reminds me that I have to be constantly on the guard for I too can easily fall in to the trap of thinking I’ve made it and maya has no control over me; for this is the biggest illusion that can overtake devotees.

And also reminds me of the importance of following the instructions of Srila Prabhupada, my guru maharaja and promises made at initiation and how what is asked is asked simply to safe guard me from once again forgetting Krishna.

For I have seem practically how quickly and subtilely this can happen and it truly does scare me.

Recently it appeared that everyone I talked to had what I thought were stable relationships but then having them tell me it’s now over “we’ve split up”some of whom I had not long since been to there wedding or so it felt whilst others who had announced there expected marriage were no longer again announcing a split up. And a select few who’s changes in partner I gave up trying to follow some time ago as they always appear to have someone new on their arms.

Then I read an article on one of the devotee article feeds and the mataji writing it also noted the same thing and that for each breakup there was a notation that some reasons was given, well it’s like this, the person was like that, they did this, we couldn’t agree on that.

But in reality it could simply be down to the fact that our own personal desires are not getting met; as not one was in what could be described as an abusive relationship from what they were telling me; although this could be an over simplification.

Desire though is a strange thing leading to what we believe is our own needs and want’s and in many ways makes up who we are; and we all look for them to be fulfilled and in order to do this we move from one living entirety to another will they give me the love and protection I need and fulfill all my desires.

In reality only Krishna can do this, but many like me are not on that platform or level of realization sadly we look to imperfect living entities for the answer rather than Krishna and his pure devotees. But I am reminded that any relationship is only worth while if it helps both extend and helps us grow in Krishna Consciousness otherwise there is little gain other than a temporary reprieve of sense enjoyment before the problems appear.

The mataji however points out that we see many fine examples of devotees who have successfully grown in a relationship that has fulfilled both material desire for family and home along with spiritual growth; and if we talk to them we see that they have had to work hard at both it has not been an easy ride but one that has proved of benefit. And as my guru maharaja often says don’t ask me about relationship problems go and seek a devotee who are married and would and are in a better position to advise and help.

Over the years there has been a personal small desire that one day I would settle down into some form of family life, but in reality I am hopeless in relationships having only ever had the one girlfriend which to say it was a disaster would be an understatement; but the hope that one day I would meet the right person remained.

I recall being envious of friends and work colleges who would attract people or have dates without even having to try, several would just walk into a room and immediately those in the room would turn and notice them; even coming onto them in a very overt manor. “Why ow why does no one notice me?” came the thought but in reality I’m uninspiring and boring a friend to turn to in hard times but relationship no way.

But how ow how I desired to have that something that sent the girls wild; why was I blessed with zero personality and the looks not to die for; curse this body and personality.

But as time moves on and I listen to stories of failed love, of desires and hopes that have been crushed a part of me is grateful that I never have this problem to deal. My friend who has had so many relationships wishes for just one that would last more than a couple of months or a few years, my female friends who wish just for that man who would love and care and appreciate the little things they do. The emotional roller-coaster that appears never to end being driven by may be, just may be this is the right one this person will fulfill my desire.

It occurred to me that we put so much energy into the pursuit of the perfect partner, that special someone but then we refuse to or do not wish to put the same effort into something more important pursuit of devotional life; how to serve Krishna, the devotees and others. Seeing the needs of ourselves above and beyond that of others, being selfish rather than selfless.

And this pursuit of desire, the fulfillment of my desire, my needs, me first bubbles over into our relationships with others in essence the relationship breaks up because we feel our own needs are not being met; this covers all aspects of our lives, loves, work, relationships it is all about me.

When you talk to those who have been together for a long time then you see there is constant adjustment, constant changes and even an acknowledgment of own personal failings or faults; working through troubles and hard times; but most important with a common goal and aim and the desire to just make it work.

For successfully devotee relationship’s this is the desire to both advance spiritually to raise a family in a Krishna Conscious manor and to follow direction of there spiritual master whilst seeking guidance from devotees when problems occur; but like our everyday products that are thrown if they break or cause problems instead of fixing we throw out one person after another hurting not only them but ourselves in the process.

My own realization is that actually I’m such a disaster when it comes to relationship that actually it would be destructive for both, so why put any energy into it? What is to gain? Nothing.

So I am thankful that I do not turn heads, I do not have girls pursuing me, but I can just come and go without hinderance, that I am not battered and torn going from one relationship to another hoping that may be just may be this will be the one.

And that the best thing is to learn more and use the opportunities Krishna gives me to help those who come to me for help advance to see that in the material world there is only one pursuit we should engage in and thats anything and everything that helps us advance in spiritual life.

And that if we want to have a relationship’s it should be based not purely on the desire to have our own desires fulfilled but on the pursuit of helping each other advance spiritually and making sure that this is the last life we have to take in the material world and return home, back to god head.

After all there is great strength in single life.