simple thoughts

As a young child I remember asking some of the members at the Kingdom Hall we went to what happened to the animals when they die; if as humans we can either go to heaven or eternal death then what happens to them.

Well they die came the answer, you see god put them here for our pleasure and for food so they are not meant to live forever.

This answer for me felt incomplete, what if I was born as an animal and not human, then would my life be meaningless even if to say I was a good and faithful dog or a cow that gave such lovely milk or a cat that entertained. This appeared to me to show that in truth god really wasn’t very loving nor caring.

Later on I remember watching the news and these nice people who appeared to only want to worship god in there own way were banned by the then UK Government, again I asked questions and said may be we should say something for if they can ban these people from worshiping god then they can ban anyone even us.

The answer was a stern, god has stopped them from worshiping because they are doing the devils work they are demons. They do not know who god is or how to worship them and so god has stopped them.; again I felt the answer was incomplete, if god is loving then why stop them from trying to worship him no matter how badly they were doing it.

The preaching work was first everyone had to know about Jehovah for once they do then the end will come, we would have paradise on earth and after one last test after a 1000 years we would if we passed be allowed to live forever, never getting old or dying; we will be ruled by the 144,000 justly and there will be eternal peace and all my needs will be met; who could wish for more, well unless your one of the poor animals I guess.

But again I had questions, but what about those who didn’t get a chance, those who were alive before the formation of the Jehovah’s witnesses and what about those who already followed a faith and had some love of god.

Again too many questions after all the bible is clear isn’t it, you not reading it? Those who died before will be resurrected and given a chance and if they reject then eternally die. And as for the others since they have heard and have rejected so they will be killed eternally.

But god is love surely this shows a lack of love, may be.

Ok so here was some questions as a young child (not even in high school, the naïve incomplete thoughts without the ability of seeing things in a grown-up way) but to me god appeared uncaring even unjust in many ways how could he claim to be one thing whilst presenting in another?

Why would he say for us not to take blood but then allow us to eat meat? As this must contain blood? Although I was laughed at for this view.

Even my own salvation was not assured for god could find fault in a heartbeat and I will not be allowed into the kingdom of god even if I had been loyal and followed as best I could; after all scripture says may will come claiming to have done so many things in his name but he would simply say go away I do not know you.

Not to mention the war’s, famines, diseases and poverty? How can god be love if this is what we see after all this is the experience of the many rather than the few.

Again it’s because they are in some way ungodly and they are being punished for there sin, but what sin?

What has the baby done who is suckling on the mothers breast who cannot feed them as she doesn’t have milk to give; explain god’s love in that.

As I looked and listened to different faiths I heard almost the same rhetoric animals are put here by god for us to enjoy and eat and once dead are eternally dead for this is why god desires it and why they were put on the earth. The only way to god is through our faith, by following my sect or denomination no other for they will take you to hell. God allows people to suffer for these show us that the time of this world is at an end.

But if god is love, then were is it?

How can god be loving if he has created life just to be killed and ate with no hope of salvation?

How can god be love if even the sincere person who is worshiping him in a way they feel is right taking into account what they have read, simply be killed forever with no acknowledgment of there efforts or determination?

And why so much suffering for what appears so many innocent people?

Questions, Questions, Questions.

As a young child I was asked were is your faith, just trust in god it is not for us to ask questions of god but to believe and follow.

But the bible says “seek and thy shall find” and to me that meant we must be able to ask questions for out of questions we get answers and out of answers we find the truth may be?

One of the songs sung regularly at the kingdom hall as a child had the words that I have never forgotten and which has always fascinated me:

“Fear not those who kill the body
But cannot destroy the soul
Faithful to the end continue
I will bring you to your goal”

But if death means the end then I should fear the person who kills the body, right? So the soul must be something separate from the body as it cannot be destroyed?

Well not to worry god has recorded it in his books of life/death and depending on how I lived my life is depending on which one I end up in, again a strange answer that never truly explained the soul for if I was put into the book of death and I am already dead so have no thought or knowledge then why worry?

Simply eat, drink and be merry right for tomorrow I will be eternally dead?

Childhood questions, from a mind that was fascinated by scripture but found more questions than answers.

But then from these simplest questions came a strange journey and the belief that one day I would discover what is god’s love, in what form is it and how does he show it.

But god loved me so much he gave me some intelligence as a child to ask questions and a thirst to find the answers; may be this is god’s greatest love allowing me to find out and discover at my own pace and speed rather than forcing me or expecting me to just blindly believe and follow.

The last time I wrote and pass-word protected a blog post there was some outcry from some of my regular readers (if I can say that); so my thoughts have been should this be an open blog or again pass-word protected. Revealing the mind, personal thoughts from childhood and recent history can be problematic.

So I write in some uncertainty on a very heavy subject of suicide, in the Uk 2 people a day take there own lives; most leave a letter but for those who don’t there is emotional trauma that cannot be estimated. And so a loaded question some months ago in a school visit on suicide lead to me answering the question from which I have some personal insight.

As some of you may or may not be aware my early years of this life were some what traumatic I so desired that it would end. In my child’s mind I can remember thinking that may be I was in a dream or part of someone’s nightmare and if I could wake up or the person in the dream woke up then this will end.

But with no true understanding I faced each day in fear and by the age of 6 I could not cope, so stopped eating. No one not even the doctors could figure this out there was no medical reason for me not to eat; but as a child I knew that if I don’t eat then my life would end and so in my mind so would my suffering.

In the safe environment of the hospital I started eating, but once discharged my fear soon returned but I guessed that this was my lot but still convinced there was more to life, that this had to be a dream of sorts.

At 12 I walked into the kitchen to find my sister taking an overdose (she was a year older than me and we were very close), she too had come to the point that this seemed the only option; but I did not want to loose her and so phoned for an ambulance; this was for her a turbulent year of several suicide attempts. We never knew why or what triggered it, may be as many say it was a cry for help.

And so life moved on, child hood memories fade or we put a glossy spin on things; but for me the world remained a scary place and no matter what I tried it remained ever so. Eventually I ended up working in a hospital the only place I ever truly felt safe and whilst focusing on helping others I could forget if not temporary my own suffering.

So there was only two things left my faith and work, eventually even my faith left although I knew the answers I was looking for could be found only in scripture fear of people and places had taken over. So from work to home from home to work; very rarely leaving a prisoner of my body, my home and work; what was the point of life?

One day after again being admitted to hospital due to a continuing health issue the doctors miss-prescribed a drug and thus what could have been a fatal overdose was given; I could hear what was going on but unable to move or speak the greatest fear came over me. I do not know who god is, or the meaning of life and so I prayed “please I don’t want to die; I want to know who you are”; In this state an old man approached me I have the answer you will know, and then a person was shown me “he will help you find out who god is” eventually my eyes opened and my hospital stay was increased a little more than expected, but the bodily pain was increased slightly.

My refuge remained a hospital ward, but my search to understand who I am and who god is started; but although I was attracted to several faiths non could answer my basic questions.

Until one day I went into the main town not far from the hospital I was working in, and I noticed one face, a face that didn’t fit; and so I was stopped and there was the sweetest exchange I have ever had and so I left not only with a book but with a small piece of paper telling me of a small group program they had going. But this was the point on the book was a picture, but no ordinary picture it was the man who had talked to me several years earlier and his words in the book truly hit home it was the answer I was looking for..

So over time and the tolerance of the devotees although little understanding my situation made sure that the environment was one were I felt safe; and for the first time in a long time I happily left my home; my work colleges and councillor was surprised and although they were suspicious of this Hare Krishna’s they were impressed by the changes they could see in me, day by day, week by week, month by month.

Well in this life there is always anxiety and so due to circumstances they had to leave the UK, and again my life appeared to fall apart; if it wasn’t for Krishna’s prevision and that the devotee left made me feel wanted and needed, engaging me in his university preaching. And so my understanding of the true meaning of life grow, my guru maharaja challenged me and encouraged me at the same time.

But all things have not been smooth, my mind continues to persecute me, trying to convince me that I do not belong in this movement but I know I do not belong in the material world it truly is a place of immense suffering.

This feeling was heightened when told that I could no longer go to the local preaching center; turmoil how could I continue in this life? What is the use of this material body and this life, but I could not take my own life for this is against scriptural injunction but it appeared to me that I had indeed committed spiritual suicide; this being the case then all is lost. So what is the point?

Although several senior devotees intervened and had the ban overturned I could not go back, this was for me the lowest point. So I sat for days with my deities just chanting and crying, what am I to do?

As I sat I looked at Srila Prabhupada, he was smiling and immediately I remember lying on the hospital bed and my thought turned to his home in the UK Bhaktivadanta Manor; if I am going to revive myself spiritually and not commit spiritual suicide then this could be my only chance. So I called and asked if I could stay, the devotee was unsure but some how by Krishna’s mercy he agreed but only for a few days.

So I arrived one Saturday morning unsure of what I would find, there in the crowed was one devotee who recognized me from the very first days of my coming to the preaching temple; grasping me he asked so can you do arati to Srila Prabhupada?

My first day at the Manor in a state of mind of leaving the movement considering that I had committed spiritual suicide and may be the only other option open was to end this life and pray that Krishna forgives me and gives me a better opportunity; being immensely unqualified Srila Prabhupada was calling me home.

I messed up the arati overcome with emotion I knew I was making mistakes but Srila Prabhupada wanted me; he was calling me to continue he had given me so much, how could I leave? How could I take this life that was so precious?

So what was next? After prasadam I was asked if I was doing anything and would I like to do some cleaning and was I afraid of heights? And so here was I doing the high clean looking down at the beautiful deities and as I turned around there was Srila Prabhupada just smiling.

My thoughts turned to the challenge my own guru maharaja had given me: “so as a nurse you can save the body but what about the soul?, best you look at ways to save the soul and end there suffering, than save the body were they will continue to suffer”; how can I answer this challenge he has given me, and so as preaching opportunities have opened I have taken them although immensely unqualified for if by knowing Krishna and his devotees my life can be turned around, how many more, I must give then this opportunity, I must serve the orders of my spiritual master with great determination.

And so as the student asked me about suicide my reply was from personal experience, but now I could explain things from the point of view of knowledge, true knowledge; knowledge that would not only save the material body but would save the spirit soul.

So when I was stopped whilst shopping and thanked by one of the students who that very day had planned to take there own life but after hearing my explanation I have only the mercy of Krishna, my guru maharaja and the devotees to thank.

For either material or spiritual suicide is something that we should all endeavor to stop, and this Krishna Consciousness movement is the only way.

And as I shared the story of school preaching one reply I think summed things up quiet nicely:

Thank you for your excellent service. If you never did anything else, this one act of reaching out to another human being with Krishna would surely gain you a lifetime’s blessings.

Now, please do it again!

By Krishna’s mercy and the mercy of the devotees I pray that when the opportunities arise to share Krishna that I am moved to say the right words to save the spirit soul, thus fulfilling the mission my guru maharaja has given me.

Sexual abuse and harassment a subject that is difficult and within devotee circles one that is not discussed or talked about.

But this is not an ISKCON phenomenon all areas of society tries to avoid and is found in even the most prominent areas, Police, Nursing, Teaching, Social Workers and the like. But how we deal with it can make a big difference not only for the accuser but for the one accused.

The disturbing thing is the use of sanctions like being banned from the places the person goes to and for mental health well being needs to continue, especially when there’s a spiritual aspect and need and that both should be given access to worship and serve within there prospective areas.

It reminded me of my own personal situation instead of being supported as expected I ended up undergoing disfellowship for flagging up sexual abuse; hum! My actions in going to the Police was seen as unnecessary and also unscriptural as all that is needed is that the person concerned says they are sorry; hum?

So I was given an ultimatum either withdraw my allegation or I would no longer be allowed to attend the Kingdom Hall, if you what they offered that I attend another one some distance away. So some sort of stand was needed, do I remain steadfast in my discussion to go to the Police or to the party line; after all my only social group was that within the society and to continue would mean a loss of all contact with those I grow up with and the only thing I know.

But a stand needed to be made along with the bitter pill that needed to be taken, something that to date I cannot say I have fully recovered from.

However it highlights several things the sensitivity around sexual abuse and sexual harassment and the fact that there is a reluctance to involve any external authority fearing negative publicity/press rather than being pro-active and supporting the person’s involved and demonstrating that compassion can be shown to both parties concerned.

The perpetrator was allowed to continue undisturbed in there role within the society with no formal checks to make sure that it never happens again or that no further risks are involved. Whilst the one accused becomes socially isolated and not only has to deal with the abuse but also the further social isolation.

Were also aware of the many false allegations for many reasons, revenge, a miss reading of a situation act. that after checking and looking at all statements no further action is needed.

Either way the manor that these issues come out is never easy and hard to pallet for those hearing and having to deal with the matter especially if it’s someone you know or worked with for a long time and in these cases it’s hard to put personal feelings to one side.

But sexual abuse and harassment happens, and is something we cannot ignore or detract from but banning individuals is not the answer or solution although it may appear a short fix. Compromises and short/long term solutions need to be looked at especially when we think of spiritual needs.

Can service continue?
Can they both continue to attend class?

The answer to both of these should be a Yes, but this is difficult as either way the accusation of taking one side or another will be there. May be one or both need to be chaperoned or given service with a senior devotee for some time or service at different times of the day or even that they come on set days with the other person not being there a sort of compromise.

As to class there should be enough devotees around to support both parties and give guidance and directive where needed.

Yes each centre and temple should have a clear policy along with designated trained individuals who are clearly identified and that these can be easily accessed within a prominent public area. Then and only then can we say we have a safe environment for all who attend.

This is a new on-line facility that should be made available to all children, although based in the UK it can be accessed by children outside of the UK.

It is for those children who are experiencing bullying, or are in distress but unable to share there problems or just to scared to talk to an adult for fear of what may happen

It is monitored and also has an on-line councillor service if required.

I feel it is essential as many children now find it easier in the on-line world and you can hyper-link from here

From my own personal experience any way you can find to communicate your feelings as a child is a good thing, so make the children you know aware that it is available

When the living entity is encircled by wife, children and home, he acts on the mental plane. Sometimes he is very happy, sometimes he is very much satisfied, sometimes he is not satisfied, and sometimes he is bewildered. Bewilderment is called moha, illusion. Illusioned by society, friendship and love, the living entity thinks that his so-called society, friendship and love, nationality, community, etc. will give him protection. He does not know that after death he will be thrown into the hands of a very strong material nature that will force him to accept a certain type of body according to his present work. This body may not even be a human body. Thus the living entity’s feeling of security in this life in the midst of society, wife and friendship is nothing but illusion. All living entities encaged in various material bodies are illusioned by the present activities of material enjoyment. They forget their real business, which is to go back home, back to Godhead.
 (SB 4.25.55)

The other day we somehow got talking about the Golly Wog a soft toy from the past that could also been found on the side of the Robinsons Jam but was dropped for its racist over tones and is now assigned to an era best forgotten.

However I noted that for me the notion of the Golly Wog as racist was puzzling and to date remains so, does this make me racist? Have I learnt nothing from reading the vedic scriptures?

You see as a child I had a very dear friend who had a big influence on me; I knew him as Uncle Morris a Jamaican born individual who’s house I spent a lot of time at. Now for me I remember him giving me a Golly Wog with his wide beaming smile and for me as a child a fascinating Gold Tooth that almost seemed to glisten. I loved the toy not for what it was but for who gave it to me it went every were with me especially if I was scared as in my mind my Jamaican Uncle would somehow be their to protect me, the simple thoughts of a child.

As time moves on I try to understand the struggle he must have had against those who would just see the colour of his skin, to having what back in the 70’s was a dig taboo a white wife. I can remember how he always wanted a Jaguar car and saved so hard; he was so proud of it but in a glance it was gone simply because he was always stopped by the police a coloured man could not own such a car he must have stole it.

We see the imagery of hate for who groups of people based on colour, each identifying with their own national and community identity clashing into violence; a picture we still see today.

We see that within ISKCON many of the spiritual masters also had to battle through racial hatred and suppression what a relief it must have been to take shelter of Krishna and their spiritual master Srila Prabhupada, were the only thing that mattered was being the servant of the servant not colour, nationality or culture.

This again was in many ways revolutionary when we could see that places of worship were divided into that of colour and nationality with very few were encouraged to mix and were hated in some cases was encouraged in the name of God with little real understanding of the message hold within scripture.

Uncle Morris was as far as I can remember was always an Elder within the religious community I grow up in a respected man who’s opinion mattered who protected me from much harm, who gave me a toy that is now a symbol of racism this for me is some what ironic to the reality within my little world; The principles Uncle Morris instilled into me, respect for others, the sanctity of marriage, avoidance of alcohol and love of God remain even after such a long time this I am sure made it easier to take to devotional life; a fine example that all young children should have to follow.

The closing comments I leave to Srila Prabhupada:

So we have to purify our hearts of our dirty desires, which are forcing us to act for sense gratification and suffer. And in this age the purification is very, very easy: Just chant Hare Krsna. That’s all. This is Caitanya Mahaprabhu’s contribution. Ceto-darpana-marjanam bhava-maha-davagni-nirvapanam [Cc. Antya 20.12]. If you chant the Hare Krsna mantra, you will be relieved of the suffering caused by transmigrating perpetually from body to body. Chanting is such a simple thing. There is no question of caste, creed, nationality, color, social position. No. By the grace of God, everyone has a tongue and ears. So everyone can chant Hare Krsna, Hare Krsna, Krsna Krsna, Hare Hare/ Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare. Just chant Hare Krsna and be happy.

Thank you very much.
 (The Self and Its Bodies)

Role models are an important part of our lives and forms part of who we are, if we have a good role model then by their association we make great gains, however if our role model is a thief then we rapidly head for trouble.

I have been pondering this and also thinking of the need for good role models in the Krishna Consciousness movement who by their example inspires us to follow in a path that will protect us in many ways from harm that modern society artificially forces onto us.

As a child I had a very good role model by the name of Alex Berino who you could say followed three of the four regulative principles (meat eating is seen as ok in many Christian religions although I am sure many would exclude the Jehovah’s Witnesses), in many ways I wanted so badly to follow in his footsteps seeing the example set and how we can practically live it despite the thrust of society thinking it wired and repressive.

So sex outside of marriage, alcohol in moderation (or best no alcohol) and refraining from gambling protected me from many heartaches my piers went through even during my time in a shared house I remained firm to the beliefs set by my role model and in some ways childhood idle Alex.

Yes many did think me strange after all the fun I was missing out on especially getting drunk and having lots of sex; HUM!

Now I think about my short few years in the Krishna Consciousness movement and the importance of good role models and their influence, you could say that Alex provided the cornerstone for which others could build on.

As I talked about this when asking the question why someone with very little devotee contact can remain focused on devotional life what hit me was simply this, the time taken by a few devotees who rather than giving rules lead by example, their good association and example still inspires me today even though we are separated by many nautical miles.

The example shown remained pivotal even to this day and at low points I simply think of these few devotee’s in the same way as I remember my early childhood friend, hero and role model.

It is not simply that we say you must because I say!

Many have laid down rules I find hard to follow simply because they themselves don’t follow them, you cannot say “No association with Women” when you spend most of your time with a women whose not your wife even though you give a good reason why this is, or in your mind it seems like a good one although it contradicts the words coming out of your mouth. Can an individual follow your wise advice? SIMPLY NO! they will simply see you as a hypocrite.

We see that the youth have many individuals they look up to and see as role models, but what we see then are pictures of them getting drunk, the succession of partners and at times fights. And as they try to emulate these individuals we see problems arising.

The problem is the lack of first class role models within society to whom we can look up to and follow; this is something that devotees should remain aware of giving an example that the whole world wishes to follow.

Srila Prabhupada inspired so many simply because he lived a simple life that many could see and be inspired to follow what greater example could we try to emulate thus simple individual like me can remain focused by simply following the example of those more intelligent.

One thing that I have noted is how pride and self-importance often gets in the way and how subtle it can actually be.
The other month I had a very high readership of my blog I was very proud of this achievement (here I am writing something of importance that others want to read); pride had kicked in BIG TIME.
At the beginning of this month I have been posting small video clips on YouTube and to my amazement those who watched the clips in just a two week period have out stripped those who have read my blog for a whole year. (Solely down to my great editing (HA!)) Even more so as within hours they had been given a five star rating.
Again some pride that was soon squashed and as the saying goes I was brought back down to earth.
Firstly my blog reading this month was the lowest ever recorded so why so many last month?
Unfortunately it was not those reading my blog but those who were looking for information on how to get rid of a computer virus and because I had written about it my posting was on the first page of Goggle search. Those who had actually read my blog were in fact already in decline.
And as to my YouTube posting well a few days later a very nice devotee pointed out two key points:
1) When it comes to devotional material even if its really bad the devotees will not criticises and will very rarely correct so as not to offend.
2) That as there is little Krishna conscious material on the internet devotees will always give it a five star rating, this means that it is more likely to come up on a search of say Google

My pride crushed as so many grapes in a press but it reminded me of why I am writing and posting the videos it is not to be noticed but to share simple thought from a very simple individual.

One thing that has been on my mind is children’s stories and presenting KC in a child friendly manor.

May be it’s the years working in children’s services or the my continuing love of stories; I have pondered and thought about stories for children in KC and my desire to develop a small puppet show.

Why is simple as a child I loved the Muppet show and Sesame Street from the children’s television workshop Yes this small fact I can still remember. The medium of learning through puppets and the entertainment factor remains with me even today.

The other week my search for stories was wonderfully answered as I sat with Yugla Das he read some children’s stories he had been using to help him learn and translate. This since has had my mind in a spin as the ideas of how to use them and the potential is great.

Yugla Das has offered to help find a small selection of KC children’s stories which I hope to make into an online resource, including the background on how those stories were first spoken and their importance.

My second challenge will be to use these to make small puppet plays, as the characters are animals this is a medium I will love to use.

This will take some time to put together and work on but I am so excited by what I had read to me that I will eventually hope to offer it as an on line facility and then combine with on line puppet plays of the stories.

So lots for me to get my teeth into and my thanks to Yugla Das for his assistance and encouragment.

This is an interesting equation used in counselling.

The first E is Event, this cannot be changed it has happened

The last E is Emotion, that is what we all generally deal with, the person is crying, happy, sad in general we don’t go deeper than dealing with the emotion

The middle E is Evaluation, in counselling this is what is of most interest, it is where our emotional response comes from. If we deal with the evaluation then we can deal with and change the emotion.

The example is given of two men in a factory who have worked there for 30 years and on the same day are given redundancy notices. The first man collapses in tears his world shattered “how could this happen?” The second man is happy “finally I’m free” same situation the difference is the evaluation is different.

As devotees if we become aware of this then we can make changes, if we become angry it is not that such and such a prabhu has made us angry it is simply that as we evaluated the events we chose to make the event an angry one. If we took the time to evaluate properly our emotional response would be different.

Still ringing in my ears is the words from my own Guru Maharaja “the problems you face are all of your own making, you only have yourself to blame” Harsh but true.

We evaluate things to proportion blame on others rather than looking beep inside ourselves.

As to experiences that may appear out of our control, for instance my own childhood, I could spend my life blaming others it was their entire fault. Where would it get me? In a continuing cycle of misery, which before coming to KC was just what was happening, with knowledge my understanding has changed what have I done in my previous life to have such bad Karma, but also how fortunate am I to have been given the opportunity to meet devotees and have all these things explained. A life changing revolutionary event brought about simply because my evolution process has changed with a higher knowledge.

This is following a posting on my blog which went as follows:

I can so relate to you. No, I was not sexually molested as a child, but emotionally, mentally, and physically abused. In all actuality… I guess in a sense I was sexually abused, too. Just not as bad as you. I’m 25, engaged and a mother and I still have so many questions as to why this happened to me. They say God sets tha path, but you have to choose to take the right one. What kind of choice is that for a child? It’s not. We are not capable of making the right decisions, we are only children… I believe in God, don’t get me wrong, but I wish someone could explain to me… Why these types of things happen to so many of us… and How can we stop it from affecting our adult lives and our parenting? I am a very good mother, as I’m told all the time, but I know in my heart … I could be better. I am so “ready to get mad and always taking it out on my loved ones” about the most simple things that occur in my life. And because of that, I fear I will lose everything and everyone I love so much. Not by harming them, physically, but by my misery, depression, and always thinking of the past, all that stuff that goes through my mind every day… I don’t know why, but I just felt I should write you this… God Bless… and Feel free to contact me… – Jessica
I have sent an e-mail as follows:

Hi Jessica

Many thanks for taking the time to read and make a comment on my blog and most important of all for your honesty (it is a rare thing).

Firstly emotional abuse is recognized and is catogarized as bad if not worse than sexual abuse mainly becouse the emotional scares are deep and are less easy to express.

Secondly dispite what the press sometimes says that the abuser goes onto abues this is not actually true infact the instance of someone who has been abused going onto abuse is low and statistically very rare. And I am sure your friends are right that you are infact a very good mother.

Within the Gita it is explained that we are in the age known as Kali-yuga—the “Age of Quarrel and Hypocrisy” so that fact we have falling’s out should not be too much of a surprise. Although our childhood experience’s shape the way we act and are as adults we need to distinguish between that and what is experienced in all relationships and how much we are willing to compromise. Although I gather from your postings in myspace that you are doing well and have a loving partner and friends and I am sure they benefit as much from you as you do from them.

As to why we have such childhood experiences this question is very complicated but is again explained in both the Gita and Bhagavatam in relation to Karma and the complexaties realted to how Karma affects our lives. Needless to say we can reduce our Karma in this life, and if the notion of reincarnation is acceptable to you then we can make our next life much better. This has helped me deal with many of the emotional problems and for those who have known me for many years has given me a stability that has made me more rational and a better person to be around.

Most important is the chanting of Gods Name, as a child calls to his mother for comfort from distress we too can cry out to god. This is very simple and is made up of three words Hare, Krsna, Rama and is a sixteen-word prayer, Hare Krsna, Hare Krsna, Krsna Krsna, Hare Hare, Hare Räma, Hare Räma, Räma Räma, Hare Hare.

Hare is the personal form of God’s own happiness, His eternal consort, Srimaté Rädhäräni. Krsna, “the all-attractive one,” and Räma, “the all-pleasing one,” are names of God. The Vedas recommend the chanting of the Hare Krsna mantra as the easiest and most sublime method of awakening one’s dormant love of God; the great chant for deliverance. These names have been particularly recommended for chanting in this age.

This I have found has given me great comfort and understanding and I would also recomend if you are wanting to understand why thing happen to us which seems unjust or plain wrong the “Gita as it is” written by His Divine Grace Srila Prabhupada

If you have any questions or thoughts please don’t hesitate to contact me

David