The other day I was listening to a class by HH Kadamba Kanana Swami who was talking about fall down and difficulty in Krishna Consciousness and that it is not that we give up but take time to reflect.

As my own Guru Maharaja says it is only in Krishna Consciousness that we are actually for real with ourselves, that we reflect not on others as the course of our difficulty but we look directly at the real course ourselves. In our last talk together we were talking about how to make this a life long commitment and not just a flash in a pan. My Guru Maharaja was very positive that we adjust our situation when needed and that he felt that my own desire to remain in devotee association despite difficulty was a positive thing for a life time of chanting the holy names; but also a reminder about basics.

What he also knows is that I can also be very challenging or critical by nature, I remember listening to a class and then the following class picking him up on it and asking for an explanation. He suggested I ask one of the devotees there but this for me was not good enough; NO! You made the statement so either you can or can’t explain it, if you can’t explain it then just say so, was my reply. OK, if you put it that way I’ll tell you came the forceful reply and an explanation was given in full; and yes any of the devotees there could easily have given the answer, but he understood that I would only take this Krishna Consciousness movement serious if he personally gave the answer.

But my guru maharaja also understood this; that in order to help me if he hadn’t answered this it would have become an obstacle or even the end of any spiritual progression, understanding not only my mind but personality he took the time to explain things fully; this is the mercy of Guru but also shows that he has also learnt and following the fine example of his own Guru Maharaja HDG Prabhupada, who too took the time to answer many questions just to save the soul and at times adjusting to the personal situation just to help some progression in spiritual life.

I was reflecting on this and my own anxiety at this time the most senior devotee in a position to help me simply stated “Everything that is done is done for a reason. You may not know the reason, that’s alright, but it would be better for you to assume that the reasons are good and designed to help, not hinder, an individual spiritual progress.”

But my thinking is what is the use of this statement if you cannot explain. My own guru maharaja and Srila Prabhupada could give an explanation when asked or challenged; sometime by using what to some may appear to be hard words but often very subtle words depending on the individual they were talking to, never ever did they leave things unexplained especially if one if seeking or asking.

My guru maharaja noted that this is one of the characteristics of my personality that I can appear to be challenging when actually I’m looking for the answer, once it is given and explained in an open way he also noted that I became happy and satisfied. So he allowed me to challenge in such a way and openly gave me the answer to what appeared to be a very public challenging question just to satisfy the mind; and also to demonstrate his mercy upon me.

I was wondering if when the devotee was in hospital if he had been under my care, if I didn’t take the time to explain the procedure and after care if he would have been happy by this, if I simply said you don’t understand but anything I do I do for a good reason would he have been happy with this?

My job would certainly be much easier, you lie there do as I say don’t ask ay questions for if I ask you to do something it’s only for your good. No, this would not be acceptable and I would not expect any of my patients to act in such a manor in order to aid recovery time an explanations has to be given for the mental well-being and stability of the patient especially if the treatment is very intrusive.

If we look at medical litigation often what is sighted is the patients lack of knowledge and understanding, in fact the consent forms which have to be signed means that the surgeon has to make sure that the patient fully understands the procedure, both benefits and if there is any adverse or known problems that may occur. In fact as nurses one of the first things that is covered is that of consent, what is consent both implied and deferred we do not impose or expect compliance just because the patient is there.

And this could be seen as my problem and impediment to spiritual life, I refuse to just submit and go along with it, like the patient in the hospital I need to know why, why will this benefit me, and the need to be satisfied with the answers. I am unable to just submit to an authority no matter how grounded or elevated they may appear, if they cannot explain why they are asking such things.

My own Guru Maharaja on the second time of meeting him challenged me, Ok your a nurse you save the body, so what! It’s going to die any way right? Name me one patient whom you’ve cared for that hasn’t or will not at some point die? So why concern yourself over the body that dies, what about the soul, are you able to put as much effort if not more effort into saving the soul? This will be the utmost benefit to those you meet making sure they never take birth or have to suffer and die ever again isn’t this true nursing?

These few words I have carried with me ever since, trying my best to fulfill this desire and instruction to save the spirit soul; I cannot put this desire to do the best I can into a form or into an answer to a question I am just obliged to fulfill my Guru Maharaja’s request this is all he asks of me.

Follow the regulative principles, chant the holy names a minimum of 16 rounds but at every opportunity you should chant more and save the spirit souls I come into contact with.

Thus despite my lack of knowledge what can I do but follow this instruction; he has explained each point so nicely using many examples from his own Guru Maharaja (Srila Prabhupada); but my fault remains I cannot follow instructions from senior devotees who cannot or appear unable to explain there instructions; but looking at my nature I cannot see for now how I can overcome this hurdle for I cannot follow blindly. The instruction from my Guru Maharaja and sincere friends and ever well wishers like HH Mahavishnu Swami who stopped at my home and asked many changes to be made explaining why each one was needed is all I feel I need; for with reason I can follow but without reason how can I; this is my nature.