As a young child I remember asking some of the members at the Kingdom Hall we went to what happened to the animals when they die; if as humans we can either go to heaven or eternal death then what happens to them.

Well they die came the answer, you see god put them here for our pleasure and for food so they are not meant to live forever.

This answer for me felt incomplete, what if I was born as an animal and not human, then would my life be meaningless even if to say I was a good and faithful dog or a cow that gave such lovely milk or a cat that entertained. This appeared to me to show that in truth god really wasn’t very loving nor caring.

Later on I remember watching the news and these nice people who appeared to only want to worship god in there own way were banned by the then UK Government, again I asked questions and said may be we should say something for if they can ban these people from worshiping god then they can ban anyone even us.

The answer was a stern, god has stopped them from worshiping because they are doing the devils work they are demons. They do not know who god is or how to worship them and so god has stopped them.; again I felt the answer was incomplete, if god is loving then why stop them from trying to worship him no matter how badly they were doing it.

The preaching work was first everyone had to know about Jehovah for once they do then the end will come, we would have paradise on earth and after one last test after a 1000 years we would if we passed be allowed to live forever, never getting old or dying; we will be ruled by the 144,000 justly and there will be eternal peace and all my needs will be met; who could wish for more, well unless your one of the poor animals I guess.

But again I had questions, but what about those who didn’t get a chance, those who were alive before the formation of the Jehovah’s witnesses and what about those who already followed a faith and had some love of god.

Again too many questions after all the bible is clear isn’t it, you not reading it? Those who died before will be resurrected and given a chance and if they reject then eternally die. And as for the others since they have heard and have rejected so they will be killed eternally.

But god is love surely this shows a lack of love, may be.

Ok so here was some questions as a young child (not even in high school, the naïve incomplete thoughts without the ability of seeing things in a grown-up way) but to me god appeared uncaring even unjust in many ways how could he claim to be one thing whilst presenting in another?

Why would he say for us not to take blood but then allow us to eat meat? As this must contain blood? Although I was laughed at for this view.

Even my own salvation was not assured for god could find fault in a heartbeat and I will not be allowed into the kingdom of god even if I had been loyal and followed as best I could; after all scripture says may will come claiming to have done so many things in his name but he would simply say go away I do not know you.

Not to mention the war’s, famines, diseases and poverty? How can god be love if this is what we see after all this is the experience of the many rather than the few.

Again it’s because they are in some way ungodly and they are being punished for there sin, but what sin?

What has the baby done who is suckling on the mothers breast who cannot feed them as she doesn’t have milk to give; explain god’s love in that.

As I looked and listened to different faiths I heard almost the same rhetoric animals are put here by god for us to enjoy and eat and once dead are eternally dead for this is why god desires it and why they were put on the earth. The only way to god is through our faith, by following my sect or denomination no other for they will take you to hell. God allows people to suffer for these show us that the time of this world is at an end.

But if god is love, then were is it?

How can god be loving if he has created life just to be killed and ate with no hope of salvation?

How can god be love if even the sincere person who is worshiping him in a way they feel is right taking into account what they have read, simply be killed forever with no acknowledgment of there efforts or determination?

And why so much suffering for what appears so many innocent people?

Questions, Questions, Questions.

As a young child I was asked were is your faith, just trust in god it is not for us to ask questions of god but to believe and follow.

But the bible says “seek and thy shall find” and to me that meant we must be able to ask questions for out of questions we get answers and out of answers we find the truth may be?

One of the songs sung regularly at the kingdom hall as a child had the words that I have never forgotten and which has always fascinated me:

“Fear not those who kill the body
But cannot destroy the soul
Faithful to the end continue
I will bring you to your goal”

But if death means the end then I should fear the person who kills the body, right? So the soul must be something separate from the body as it cannot be destroyed?

Well not to worry god has recorded it in his books of life/death and depending on how I lived my life is depending on which one I end up in, again a strange answer that never truly explained the soul for if I was put into the book of death and I am already dead so have no thought or knowledge then why worry?

Simply eat, drink and be merry right for tomorrow I will be eternally dead?

Childhood questions, from a mind that was fascinated by scripture but found more questions than answers.

But then from these simplest questions came a strange journey and the belief that one day I would discover what is god’s love, in what form is it and how does he show it.

But god loved me so much he gave me some intelligence as a child to ask questions and a thirst to find the answers; may be this is god’s greatest love allowing me to find out and discover at my own pace and speed rather than forcing me or expecting me to just blindly believe and follow.