Insecurities and failings

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I’ve been grappling over the past few months whether or not to reveal my mind, my innermost thoughts and fears (for in the material world, there is fear and it takes many forms); my desire’s and hope and insecurities.

Then there is the grapple of do I keep it public, or keep it pass word protected; do I reveal back-ground which will give insight in to my irrational mind or just current?

For the blog is in some ways my own personal space, but also by it’s nature also very public; and I am reminded also that it is a powerful tool that can do either good or harm.

But I do feel insecure, more so in spiritual life than in work which I too feel insecure about but for different reasons; I also want to keep it some what positive and reflective; hence a recent question sent to HH Sivarama Swami who does a regular pod-cast on the virtue of school preaching and also working with council/government bodies (the full podcast reply can be listened to here).

As I grow up time and time again I was reminded of what a disappointment and failure I was compared to others I knew; and reminded also how no one will ever loved me or want me “you will never be liked, or wanted”; and these words said to me as a child has haunted me and as I look back on 40 years of this life all I can see is how these word’s were true.

So I’ve presented Krishna Consciousness in schools and have been asked to be part of a steering group looking at community cohesion and equality; this is a welsh assembly and local council initiative and the person running it feels that myself (or more to the point a member of ISKCON) is better placed to represent the faith community; and due to this I’ve been asked to do several workshops on the Hindu Faith.

But am I making a difference?
Is this contributing to and helping spread KC, presenting it accurately?

I’m haunted by my own personal failing’s connecting with the devotee’s here in Wales; it reflects and up-hold’s the words said to me as a child that I will never be able to form relationships either professionally or personally. My mistakes have come home to roost as the saying goes; and so poor is the relationship that even though I’ve reiterated that if I can help or be part of the community call me; I’ve never received the call reflecting on how badly I messed up and how poorly I’m viewed by this small close nit community.

Krishna has been so kind, my guru maharaja has been so kind; HH Mahavishnu Swami who has also come and stayed at my home has been so kind; and any progress even my initiation was simply the kindness of a few devotees at Bhaktivadanta Manor who have tolerated and allowed me to stay every month.

But I still feel an outsider, unconnected with the devotee community and I am thus reminded of the words of my guru maharaja some years ago “the position your in is simply your own fault, life with it”.

In reality the preaching work being undertaken is not authorized; is not done under any direction and thus I can only be seen as a rogue devotee and that is a most unfortunate and dangerous position to be in.

I’m well respected by my colleges in work (in a professional material understanding), my years of experience and skills very rarely disputed and there is shock amongst many of them that I’m thinking of leaving the nursing profession; but in reality there are younger and more dynamic individuals out there and after all I’m easily replaced, in the material world no one is that important they cannot be replaced, and there is always someone better at it and more popular.

And if I stop preaching and presenting Krishna Consciousness in schools, working with the local council’s and community groups will there be any loss? The void can be easily filled by someone more dynamic, authorized and part of a local centre/preaching centre; rather than someone who is rogue like me.

Should I give up/continue/put on a brave face on it all or be honest with self, in developing devotee relationships similar to personal relationships I’m simply no good at; a complete failure.

My desire is simply that may be one day I could have something to contribute to the devotee community; be able to add something some service that will make a difference a skill that is appreciated and more to the point to feel a part of a community.

As it stands I’m just a fried out Health Care Professional, well respected in the community and by my colleges; but in reality replaceable and in a very short time not even missed; and that’s the reality of material life and material professions it’s temporary and any glory is temporary.

My desire is one day that I’ll be able to inspire others by example on how devotees should act, in service, in personal and professional life and in spreading KC in new and dynamic ways.

But in this I’m staring at and am a complete failure and this is my greatest insecurity and biggest fear which in many ways haunts my thoughts rightly or wrongly.

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