I have been thinking of a new subheading for my blog postings “Grumpy Old Man Rants”

With the warning not to be read if you wish to keep your sanity, it’s just that it helps at time to put my thoughts down. Not that they are to be taken seriously or that they are meant to offend although I feel at times that are interpreted thus but that it is how I am feeling at that moment.  And helps me put my own devotional struggle with the mind and material body into prospective whilst trying to make up for my lack of social skills and graces

I once kept a diary of my personal thoughts for a couple of years reading them back gave me an insight into my thought process the things I got wrong and also the context that sometimes I was disturbed by things that really did not matter.

I noted last year a number of devotees who write blog’s wondering what they can and can’t say if they wrote what they thought would the offend or would it be misinterpreted? A Prabhupada disciple reminded me several weeks ago that it is easier for him to pass comments and judgments but much harder for me as an uninitiated bhakta who will not be taken seriously by many even if scripturally and in principle could be seen as being correct; true!

I joked the other month that may be I should send a consultation bill for the work being undertaken for (FFL) food for all; I wondered how he would react to such a brash move especially on my views of devotees being paid (maintained is fine); Ok So I won’t send a bill after all it’s far nicer to help devotees than to have a business relationship; even though I have been asked to help on another couple of projects for FFL which will prove as challenging and time consuming as the last one. When approached by Mother Urmila last year HH Mahavishnu Swami was stood by me as we had just arrived at the Manor; he was curious and perplexed by my hesitation after much questioning I simply explained my feelings that as it stands I cannot approach devotees as a devotee but as a local council member but then am asked to help devotees as a devotee in the same area, psychologically this takes a toll that is hard to put into words. I was simply reminded that Krishna is asking for help am I so fool hardy as to say No to Krishna? Mother Urmila is serving so nicely so what’s your problem? A faultless argument; the request by Mother Urmila has proved more problematic as her publications are not available in Welsh, which is proving a bit of a sticking point as equal weight has to be given to both languages under Welsh Assembly Government and UK law in Wales, approval of these books in Welsh schools would be easier gained if published in both languages but by Krishna’s mercy I am sure we will get their.

In response to a posting made I had a senior temple devotee make a point of making a huge bellowing greeting to me whilst I sat in the Prasadam room; whilst also stating they could not talk to me at this time. I humble asked if we could talk as I needed to talk to them and seek some advice, Not Now came the reply later, I subsequently sent an e-mail but to date a reply is still waiting. The devotee’s advice and guidance would be greatly appreciated but it felt more like I was being mocked, SORRY! Another area I need to work on.

After a lot of encouragement I finally made contact with a mataji my Guru Maharaja thought would be a suitable partner, OK so things did not work out but it highlighted one thing my own lack of desire. Things were going OK up till the point when we meet the one question and conversation that came around and revisited on several occasions and in my mind a huge sticking point was that of why I am not initiated (this for her and a number of devotees I have met is very important). She gave the simple example of how her desire to get initiated and then for second initiation so she could serve the deities was so nicely met in a very short time frame; it was a good point that Krishna fulfils all desires. After the second meeting and my inability to fully explain why after five years in the movement I have not even made the qualifications for first initiation their was a silence then after a week a simple e-mail “all I can offer at this time is friendship I will phone and explain”, well I never got the call and experience says the moment some one uses the term lets be friends in what ever disguise it simple means leave me alone. I think it goes along with “cant talk to you now or we will make arrangements to talk later”

My failure to even start my devotional life by reaching the stage of first initiation hit home even more this week as I have been inundated by e-mails regarding the GBC proposal I helped put forward. I do not meet basic requirement to work on the proposal to make it a reality due to not being initiated with my e-mail explaining some points dismissed with a “who are you?” my names on the proposal. Ok could this come under pride? The proposal is taking shape but not in the direction I was hoping some of the main points are going to be omitted and I can’t help but feel saddened by the missed opportunity but happy that at least part of my proposal is rapidly taking shape.

I am also disturbed by the fact that during the time when HH Mahavishnu Swami blessed my home and the small village and the local youth that the local preaching centre could not even provide a simple meal. Being too busy in devotional service to render such service. It is my inability to see this that is a major fault with my sighting that they care for all the needs of their own spiritual master and make many boasts about the care given, in my mind all our spiritual masters are special and an opportunity so serve even in a small way vital. I also know that by also rendering such service pleases my own spiritual master, and the benefit of having such great association can never be underestimated. But my nature is such that I remain disturbed by what I see as neglect of such a great personality the example of great tolerance is something I need to continue to work on.

To remain focused on devotional live when you are feeling isolated, sidelined and marginalised is made even harder when you are greatly appreciated by work colleges and none devotees who then invite you out or seek your association. Yes Maya knows my weak points well and uses them to great effect, But to remain focused is a must for without Krishna or devotional live then I am truly lost in this ocean of material suffering. Put simply I do not have the strength to make it on my own it is simply by the mercy of Krishna and the devotees that will keep me steadfast and fixed in devotional live and my desires much of which remains hidden will eventually be achieved.

Talking of ocean of material suffering I am reminded that in ancient maritime the boat was seen as the only safe bet, no matter what state it was in, no matter what problems were found in the cargo or crew to abandon ship was seen as fool hardy. It would be only if their was a complete catastrophe that the order to abandon ship would be given, but even then a line would be tied to the ship so that if the worst did not happen they could return to the safety of the ship, it was the best and only hope. Srila Prabhupada has provided us with the only vessel to save us from material suffering as the old sea men knew only a mad man would abandon the vessel, and to follow the advice of our spiritual master is the only way.

So here’s the first of the “grumpy old man rants” I wonder though if in a few months time or next year this would seem important or just blowing off some steam?