Well I have been advised to go on the ‘Guru and Disciple’ one-day course, it sort of ironic and the term shutting the gate once the horse has bolted comes into mind.

Although it does give me the excuse to take a few days off work, surround myself with devotees, Hare Nama in central London and some service that I am looking forward too.

As I already have my own Guru Maharaja along with nice devotees who have and continue to advise me I am reminded that I have already made lot’s of mistakes and offences, thankfully by Krishna’s mercy my Guru Maharaja simply puts it down to part of the development of devotional life explaining that in the early stages we make offence and that hopefully we learn from them and eventually move away from this stage. The amazing tolerance of my own Guru Maharaja and a few elevated devotees who also realize this have helped me in my understanding and guided me over the years.

However I am a bit sceptical is this were I learn that once we become initiated we can make comments about the advice other Guru Maharaja’s give to their disciples simply because we disagree? Or simple ignore the needs of visiting Guru’s because they are not ours?

Sorry but I am very much disturbed by these two points and try as I may cannot figure them out or put them into a rational prospective; have I misunderstood and not learnt the basics?

Why do I have to defend the advice given by my Guru Maharaja, he is and remains my ever well wisher, his advice although sometimes like a pill that has at times been hard to swallow was given simply to help me develop and grow.

It appears however that a suggestion that if I continue to find it a struggle here in the UK that I move to New Zealand has proved along with his advice to use my work to help spread KC as too controversial, misguided and inappropriate.

Although I can in some way see the point of view and arguments put forward these are made with little understanding of my relationship with my Guru Maharaja or full backed with facts.

It is little past 11pm some 3 hours into a 12-hour night shift and my thoughts over the past few nights have been turning to the Kitchen in Wellington, I’m feeling morose with feeling of separation from those who have been most influential and remain close to my heart. I still remember the e-mail sent by one devotee who poignantly pointed out my neglect in some strong words I am ever grateful to them for their concern and loving exchange. I am reminded that no argument or hiding would be accepted they remained several steps ahead of me, ever tolerant ever mindful not once did I have to chase them up for they were always their.

My UK experience has proved not so good proving some concern for my ever tolerant and patient Guru Maharaja, who witnessed my spiralling down almost leaving devotional life, and as I was advised to and encouraged by the temple president wrote a letter explaining how I could no longer try to become his disciple (YES things were that bad).

In stepped his own disciples who picked up the shattered remains and put me back together again with heavy pills that proved hard to swallow. And not forgetting a long e-mail from Her Holiness Mother Urmila that was in parts hard but ultimately inspirational, and Jayadev Dasa who helped me write one of the hardest letters I have ever had to write to my Guru Maharaja who was expecting it and responded with open arms. Even getting the one of his centre managers in New Zealand to call to make special arrangements to see me on his next visit to the UK, thus is his concern, tolerance and understanding of those who wish to be his disciples.

A move to a different centre proved the turning point and again steady progress made the learning curve was steep and painful but I am glad of the amazing mercy shown towards me by a few. But now I am stuck in a nightmare being backed into a corner were I am almost being forced away from the centre I am happy at back to the one which proved so disasters, due to area demographics.

My self and my Guru Maharaja are duly worried, my Guru Maharaja cannot have a say in how the UK runs things and no one will listen to what I am trying to say simply “please I am happy at this centre, settled making good progress my work has opened up many opportunities to spread KC please let me continue but also can you give me guidance and support” Am I asking too much?

Neither myself; nor my Guru Maharaja want to return to the situation I found myself in so being my ever well-wisher will make suggestions and give advice accordingly

I am also disturbed by the fact that senior devotees can ignore the needs of a visiting Guru even a request for a simple meal being turned down by the local temple were too busy doing service. HUM I just don’t get it.

And even more confused whose instruction should you follow, your Guru Maharaja or the temple manager? I was once told by a temple president “I don’t care what your Guru Maharaja has asked or instructed I am the only authority and it is me you listen to” It appears his instruction to try to use my work to spread KC was incorrect and out of step with the centre.

So as I say I am perplexed by these things so may be the course will help at least make some sense of these things.

However I miss my friends the kitchen in Wellington (yes that’s about as much of New Zealand as I got to see I truly didn’t care to see any more) and most of all the support and encouragement of those around me to use what few skills I have to spread KC to all I meet without hindrance. Or is it just the loneliness of a long night shift that makes you think so? At least I’ve resisted the urge to call just to say HareBol how you all doing, what you up to?