May I firstly remind those who are unfamiliar with the way I write that this is a personal blog and should be viewed and read in this way, it is a place were I can reveal my mind, my thoughts and realizations along with struggles and failure’s to understand concepts, theory and requirements.

However my last posting appears to have been taken either as a matter of fact or an attack on the UK management rather than an expression of feeling, a thought and a battle with concept and stated requirements.

It is viewed that by revealing my mind it is actually counter productive, and does not help in any way others develop trust in the establishment. With the question as to why I chose to write in such an open place, for all to read and that what ever is requested is actually their for a reason and that to write in a personal way will not win me friends.

Am I free to express my feelings or not? Actually what would have been most useful would have been a point by point explanation as a public reply, yes it would take time but if confidence in management is an issue then this would go a long way to not only answer my fears but also if there is anyone who may be inclined of feel the same way would see also a logical explanation, Yes they do care and for one so senior to take the time how inspirational. As acknowledged in the e-mail sent I do not know the reason so why not give it? Is this too complicated or difficult? But then a thanks for saying how you feel I would like to dispel your feelings by trying to answer each point raised; firstly the exam, yes people can learn of patter the questions but actually by doing this we can establish….; as to the reasons why we ask for the sadhana forms to be filled is to help develop a pattern of devotional service on a regular basis this will help sustain you in devotional life because…It would be good if for a time you work with and take guidance from one senior devotee this will help you progress and…

I am truly sorry that my personal feelings have not only been misinterpreted but had been read as an attack on senior devotees and management team which it is not, it is a feeling can I not feel this way? Can I not express my feelings? Is an expression of feeling such a bad thing that should be repressed never talked about or revealed?

The need to take time, to answer questions even if it may be seen that the individual is unqualified or may not fully understand is in some ways needed, especially if the question is being asked.

I could contrast this to an e-mail sent to me at the same time by a disciple of Srila Bhaktivedanta Narayana Maharaja who looked at an issue point by point answering by quoting Srila Prabhupada and Sastra in what could be described as a humble and thought provoking manor.

I am however also reminded of two events one with my guru maharaja and one with the first devotees I had contact with both understood one of two things that I am lead at times not by logic but feeling and express myself in such a manor and that what can at times seem to be a criticism is actually a question or a personal search for answers (my blog posting was me grappling with my mind and trying to work out how I can stay true to my own understanding of what bhakti is for me and what is being asked).

At times they have been frustrated and I remember on one occasion my own Guru Maharaja said Ok I will answer your question as you’ve asked but you will neither understand the answer nor or you actually qualified but I am sure over time it will make sense; the answer was given and yes I didn’t fully grasp but over time I have realized it is true and am so humbled by the fact he did give me the answer. The devotees also became frustrated by what I was saying handed me a slip of paper, it contained not only their uninitiated names but their hopes and aspirations to fulfill their Guru Maharaja’s request, they neither had to nor were they obliged to, but in order to give me piece of mind they did. I was after all outside of this small group and remain to this day the only one who has seen and read it and as time has passed, what had in some for them been seen as a failure never was; Ok they didn’t achieve everything on the list but they did something more important they made devotees and all of them remain around, it is only me who has failed to achieve but I know they remain ever hopeful, watching encouraging.

The closing comments of the e-mail was for me the most hurtful almost appearing to be a threat, and no were was their any simple explanation just the comment that what is requested is for my own good; for me and those who know me and read the posting understanding the nature of who I am understood one thing and summed and one individual summed up what I was trying to ask more eloquently that it was simply a question about bhakti, how does this form filling and exam taking help demonstrate that it is being done because there is some bhakti and full understanding?

But I remain apologetic to those who appear offended or who see my posting as a personal attack on them or the establishment rather than a personal battle with my mind and continuing search for how to progress in devotional life.