simple thoughts

Simple thoughts on vadic culture

Firstly I am ready for a bit of (R in DS) my monthly fix or rest in devotional service; ok my work colleges don’t quite grasp the concept of how what appears to be work can be restful after all kicking off your shoes in front of the tv with a bottle of wine is the way to go right?

One thing I don’t say because this would add even more to there confusion as to how work can be fun and relaxing would be the simple fact that over the past few months on my visit I’ve been sleeping on an office floor at The Manor (they still think I sleep in a bed whilst there). It is the kind mercy of the devotees that they have found a way of accommodating me and after all without service this life would be very difficult for our desire should be to serve the mission and the orders of our Guru Maharaja’s as best as possible given the limitations of the human body.

So I was e-mailed about West Africa, a country I’ve been to and worked in on a voluntary basis; one day may be by Krishna’s mercy I could return to preach the glories of Sri Caitanya in loving devotional service. There was however a request for my thought’s.

Firstly they noted that Srila Prabhupada said that books should be free when preaching in Africa; I have looked for this quote and to date not found it but Srila Prabhupada did say that he could see no difference between India and Africa as they present the same problems with similar typography (this is a summery not a direct quote).

I am reminded that HH Devamrita Swami often correctly quotes his spiritual master who said “if any one says Srila Prabhupada said I haven’t” and that Srila Prabhupada often quoted his own spiritual master as this is the system we all should follow.

Any way if free books or not free books there is few direct quotes from Srila Prabhupada on Africa most relate not to West Africa but South/East Africa but as we know Srila Prabhupada also guided us saying the answer could be found in his books and if we take a more wider view in his correspondence, lectures, conversations one such is a letter in regards to the preaching in Nairobi which is as follows:

We must keep at least one nice temple of large size in that part of Africa. If we reduce in that way, that will not be good. Rather increase in all ways, that is our program. The moving and preaching work will be your most important business in Africa. There is not much population and the distances are great, so there is, no doubt, great need for several traveling parties to be working simultaneously. But if you keep that place in Nairobi as your base, sending all of the new recruits as you are able to convert them back to the Nairobi temple for getting themselves trained up, what is wrong with that? I think we need at least one big place for training up the new devotees just to the proper highest standard, just as we are doing in Los Angeles, New York, London, and other places. So also in Africa you require one such model center. If you remain only traveling parties, that will be nice for distributing many many books, and for having the sankirtana, but for new devotees that will be too much rigorous and they will not be able to adjust to the constant moving and changing about. That will spoil their chance for developing in their Krsna consciousness from neophyte stage. So keep the Nairobi center always very active, nicely decorated, worship the deities just to the highest standard, making sure that all of the students are rising to attend the mangala aratrika, chanting regularly sixteen rounds, reading books — in this way utilize what Krsna has given us there and develop it for the headquarters building for Africa.

Letter to: Cyavana — Bombay 29 December, 1972

Practically ISKCON has a unique structure with minimal central intervention which although makes for a vibrant community each one being the same but unique (if that makes sense) for preaching and missionary work it poses a problem especially on new continents or setting up new centers but we also see how this has been achieved throughout the world so not impossible (just ask one of the early Prabhupada disciples if you don’t believe me there love of there guru maharaja showed in the sacrifice and austerity they endured just to make him happy and expand the mission).

I worked in West Africa for a number of Christian organizations who funded the preaching work there paying for missionaries and establishing centers; some from small congregations of no more than 20 to 40 individuals motivated and focused on supporting a missionary service.

As I have previously written my back ground was one of being a Jehovah’s Witness as a regular pioneer living locally and serving nicely; but there was as opportunity to be recommended to be a special pioneer (missionary) they would be funded from central funds and sent out to areas in the world to expand the mission of telling the word about Jehovah and the message of the bible. But before they went out they spent time at the headquarters in the USA to be trained over a six month period.

We see how Srila Prbahupada accelerated this by giving direct instruction and personal guidance then as was the famous train journey in India when he asked one of his disciples to get out and help build a temple (that includes making devotees don’t forget) whilst also visiting and revisiting along with guidance in correspondence when difficulties arose; again everything can be found if we look.

Other religious organizations take a similar view, whilst out in West Africa the impact of a white face taking the lead made a huge impact and gave great standing in the community. But amazingly all followed the same guiding principles as set out by Srila Prabhupada; one central church/kingdom hall of a modest size but one that allowed for expansion and training and a team of traveling preachers.

Much like India if some one goes to there village they will come out in droves to see, listen and indeed ask lots of questions. It’s not for everyone the weather is hot the roads are dusty and each journey fraught with difficulty the high risk of malaria and there was always a reluctance to write back asking for even more money but at times it was necessary.

The problems in West Africa are of a poor economy, huge corruption but the people are so open to listen and I am sure with a few highly motivated devotees with the support from richer centers/temples there could eventually be a self supporting community over time; this too has happened with some of the church organizations I’ve gone out with. But once established support to expand is needed it is a life time commitment not a cursory well I’ll send out a few $ or books.

But ISKCON has a structure that in some ways promotes what is in some ways is a Welsh perspective insular looking in on itself not out ward. Each center/temple looking how to promote and expand in it’s own little part of this planet we call earth. And in many ways it’s not a bad thing for there are so many wonderful places to go so many wonderful devotees to meet and if we struggle in one place we can sure find a home within the devotee community we can settle right into.

OK I’ve not forgotten the GBC; but do they have a central fund for missionary expansion? To be truthful I don’t know all I know is that they are dedicated in expanding the mission and fulfilling the directions of Srila Prabhupada.

So the fact is that there has to be some missionary work in West Africa, and I would say practically that there has to be some white elephants there trumpeting the glories of Krishna this may mean that the GBC looks closely at how to fund:

1)A small but humble central preaching center
2)subsidized or free books
3)prasadam distribution (or regular sunday feasts)
4)travailing sankirtana parties (with a regular visit to each village and community)
5)possible missionary training with identified steady devotees

Ultimately everything happens by Krishna’s mercy and grace my thought simply is that if we wish to start and expand our preaching and fulfill the simple request made by Srila Prabhupada then some thought has to be given in how to achieve this in a practical manor taking into account the unique problems and challenges of each country.

And as I travel for my R in DS just grateful for a small piece of office floor to rest on at night and some simple prasadam to fill the demands of the material body so that I can have a huge feast for the spirit soul; we should stop being introspective but each center/temple should ask as many small church congregations also have “can we sponsor and help expand pure love of god to the parts of the world that are less fortunate materially and in some ways spiritually than us?”

For as these churches and spiritual communities will testify there is nothing sweeter than having one of your own missionaries returning home and telling amazing stories of the various people touched by the word of god, who’s lives have been turned around and yes it does inspire and encourage.

May be that’s the solution an ISKCON lead sponsor a missionary today for only ($xx a month) we can expand the mission and make the whole world Krishna Consciousness; now isn’t that the greatest gift we as devotees can give the world? And relive the suffering of mankind through high thinking and simple living.

And as Srila Prabhupada points out he has some amazing white elephants to help such nice boys and girls.

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The other day for some reason an old song sung to me as a child entered my head by the Scoffolds, I though it at the time to be a simple but nonsensical song that made me laugh the chorus line went:

well drink a drink a drink to
Lily the pink a pink a pink
the saviour of the human race
for she invented medicinal compound
most efficacious in every way

To my surprise it was about a real person Lndia E. Pinkham (9 Feb 1819 – 17 May 1883)

She was noted as being an iconic concocter and shrewed marketer of a herbal medican’s to relive known medical symptons suffered by women and also had a Memorial Clinic for women to go to for treatment.

The song highlighted the folly of searching for the elixir of youth a cure of all cures as many medicines of the day claimed to cure almost anything many aimed at women who are more aware of there health than men are (in general).

Even today we see how much money is spent on trying to get the cure of this ache or this pain, to extend our life; but at best what do they do?

Even if they cure we still then face new illnesses; it has been noted that in the west we no longer die of short term acute illness but die from more long term diseases like cancer. Death is inevitable.

A relief of pain from a long term illness; we see this in palliative care that the relief of pain becomes the crucial part of the care.

We put off the effects of old age; but again the effects of age soon shows we can stave if off for a while but not indefinitely.

But even through modern science we see a multi-million dollar industry with similar claims as that found by Lndia E. Pinkham with slick marketing and a promise that if you just take and spend this money you will feel better for it, even cured.

Srila Prabhupada expalins simply this:

So simply by having rich father and mother does not mean that he’ll be happy. No. If he is unfortunate, in spite of having rich father and mother, he’ll be unhappy. Balasya neha saranam pitarau nrsimha nartasya cagadam udanvati majjato nauh. Artasya, one who is suffering from disease, it is not that because he is given the help of good physician and first-class medicine he’ll be cured. No. There is no guarantee. There is no guarantee. We have seen. First-class medicine, first-class physician employed for curing one…, but he dies. So we have manufactured so many counteracting. The scientists, they are very much proud that “We are now manufacturing counteracting medicine.” But where is your counteracting medicine for stopping death and disease? Disease is happening. You cannot make, manufacture any medicine that one tablet I take, I shall never be diseased or I shall never die. That is not possible. You are manufacturing some medicine for some disease. All right, that disease is cured, but another disease is there. Huh? Just like in India there are malaria or some disease. In your country there is cancer. Rich disease. You are rich men. That disease is also very rich. (laughter) India, poverty stricken, they suffer only a little malaria. That’s all. Oh, you are rich. You have got cancer. There is no cure. That’s all. Finished. This is actually to be studied.
So why this is happening? You may manufacture, you may invent so many nice things, counteracting all this suffering, but if you are neglected by Krsna, no counteraction will save you. Tavad tanu-bhrtam tvad-upeksitanam. If one is neglected by God, he cannot be saved. There is no… That is not possible. So which point we were discussing?

Srimad-Bhagavatam 1.1.4 — London, August 27, 1973

Makes you think doesn’t it?

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Over the past few months I have been busy proofreading Mother Urmila’s up-coming Activity Books that will work along side her children’s reading books.

The other day I was looking at one section and the Americanized Text; the difficulty in making them universal when taking into account the difference in spoken English and phraseology throughout the world; so the question going through my mind was “can I live with it as it is?” is the American English and grammar something that will not distract if read by a non-American?

As I looked and pondered and thought about it and the whole process of proofreading; why do we proofread? Is it to find fault, to look just at print and spelling, or how it looks and does it get the point over in a way that is easy and uncomplicated to the reader?

You see in the process of getting the books to the printers that a select few would read and make comments; but it is up to the writer in this case Mother Urmila if she agrees or alters it; but also the humbleness and gratitude for each activity book sent back with notes attached or questions on what one or two phrases mean.

So as this thought was going through my mind and the continuing question of is this necessary or needed I began to think of my own Guru Maharaja and the devotees that have had to deal with my irrational mind; did they too ask the same question?

Can he live with this imperfection and it not effect his progress spiritually?
Do I mention this area for consideration, will it help or hinder?
How do I adjust things to the culture and upbringing to help increase understanding and life the me out of the misery of material life?

Then what about Srila Prabhupada?

In a strange country, dealing with people who were part of the counter culture rebelling against almost everything and what to say of the gross materialism and sense enjoying (as the saying goes if you remember the 60′s you weren’t apart of it)

What questions went through his mind as he looked at ways of turning the hippies into Happies; from sense enjoyers to spiritual enjoyers.

THERE HAD TO BE SOMETHING

Similar to Mother Urmila who simply surrendered to a process in order to make sure her books are as perfect as they can be ready for the printers; we have to also surrender in order to start the process to make us ready to go home Back To Godhead.

We see how so many simply surrendered and followed the instructions of Srila Prabhupada and how in his letters he directed and instructed according to the person, there needs and personality. Some times gently sometimes not so gently but each in a way to help progress.

It reminded me of a time when I had been waiting for a reply from a question sent to my Guru Maharaja and as there was some time passed some anxiety was growing why had he not answered; the reply came with the opening statement pointing out that there was a delay as he was pondering the best way to reply the main question was AM I READY TO SURRENDER TO HIS DIRECTIONS AND INSTRUCTIONS?

Then I sat thinking of Mother Urmila, Krypamaya Dasa, Acharia and especially Dina Dayala DD and VishnuMaya DD and Candidasa Dasa who tolerated and put up with so much just to help get me to the stage of initiation; and how they have simply surrendered focused on following there Spiritual Masters instructions but more so looking at ways to encourage as many people as possible to also take up the mission elevating so many from material suffering.

With out True Surrender Were are We?

Back were we started just trying to enjoy my senses, squeezing out as much happiness as possible convincing myself that I am the enjoyer and that we don’t need God; what a state to be in but this is our position unless I first learn how to surrender and follow the instruction that will bring us eternal happiness in service to Krishna.

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It is always humbling to be reminded of the service undertaken and it’s importance along with your duty; this happened to me this week in regards to the development of a Prison Ministry here in the UK.

The plans are big, but it appears I am not up to the mark and lack some knowledge to make this a reality; Yes I am a failure, or is it a simple failure in surrender to Krishna to supply me with the things I lack.

So I have sent an e-mail to the lovely devotees who have come forward wishing to become involved with what has been done to date; the vision act.

And I pray that the devotees show great mercy and also help in bringing my humble vision to something tangible.

I have removed names and prison centers but the originals have been unaltered so here is the e-mail of apology sent:

Hare Krishna,
Please Accept My Humble Obeisances
All Glories to Srila Prabhupada

I felt the need to up-date as to were things are and the work done or not done as is the case.

May I firstly apologies for the lack of correspondence to date and for the slow service done in this new field of Prison Ministry.

The task is slightly bigger than initially expected with some hurdles that need to be overcome and in many ways I am probably not the right person as I only really know about nursing and health care but felt that this area was in much need of being looked after.

We have to also go through a government department and have official sanction from them; Krishna has been very merciful as he is a very experienced and humble devotee who has kindly offered to help in getting us established.

My desire is eventually that there should be at least a facility to correspond with all inmates in the UK no matter were they are and that a selection of books and the Gita is available. With eventually some training course for chaplains on the needs of devotees including requirements for pray, arati and festivals. So I have a big vision but humbly ask for suggestions especially on ideas to get the books into the prisons in sponsorship act.

I also desire a web-sight for ISKCON Prison ministries UK similar to that available in the USA but lack the necessary IT Skills and so pray that Krishna provides a nice devotee who could help out in this area

As pointed out I have a huge desire to reach out to those who are in prisons but lack in so many ways knowledge and experience in how to do it and so apologize wholeheartedly for what appears to be inaction at this time; but I am sure that Krishna will fulfill this humble desire of mine; even may be providing the experienced devotees who can assist and guide me.

I am sure that by the mercy of Guru and Krishna that there will come a point were we will have lots of service to do in writing and visiting prisons here and again humbly ask if for suggestions and assistance in ideas and practical help.

Again may I express my humble apologies for how slow things are progressing to date. Below you will see the recent letter sent to the government minister (I have removed his name) as he will speak directly to the prisons on our behalf.

Humble yours

Jaya Shri Krishna
Please Accept my humble obeisances
All glories to you and your service

Haribol Dr.

I hope this e-mail finds you well and that you are encouraging even more people to use sanskrit in everyday conversations

Apologies also for taking so long to reply to your e-mail time passes so quickly it is a reminder for me to keep on top of things and press on sharing love of Krishna with everyone and follow the instructions to our Guru Maharaja’s.

I have spoken to and also written to the following prisons directly:

HMP

Although they were a little curt and although saying that there may be a need would not allow any further discussion unless prompted or requested by your good self

HMP Rev Mark Jones

HMP Rev Tim Harling

There are a number of individuals who are already in contact with devotees and so it would be nice to develop ties here and even have some small visits if there is no facility already

Prison Rev Phil James

Nottingham Prison

The other prisons expressed some interest as they felt there may be a small need at some point although as you are probably aware devotees and aspiring devotees make up a very small percentage of the prison population.

I am also about to write to several prisons in Scotland as we have interest from devotees there to correspond and get involved; I am humbled by the willingness and enthusiasm of the devotees.

It has also been pointed out that as there is already a small number of devotees already wanting to write to individuals within the prison system that technically means we should be able to at least correspond with them so am considering a mail shot to most prisons within the UK offering a pen-pal facility; would this in your opinion be a wise move and a viable option?

There has also been a suggestion that we encourage devotees to make contributions of books to be put into the prison libraries with a contact stamped in it if the person wishes to find out more; this will include the Gita and some small books; again what do you think of this idea.

It is my desire to give the best facility possible and am seeking a devotee to develop a small web sight; I am also wondering if as I am using my home address in the Welsh Valleys if that may hinder things as it’s seen as not being local or does not have a temple address.

All I can do is use the few skills I have and a desire to fulfill the orders of my Spiritual Master and the devotees and pray for Krishna marcy and that of the devotees.

Again thank you for your kind help and assistance.

Your Humble Servant

I am humbled by my inadequacies that Krishna has been so kind to highlight, so I pray for the mercy of my Guru Maharaja and the devotees for there blessings and help

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As some of you may be aware my first visit to Bhaktivadanta Manor was one were my mind was truly agitated, my thinking was that if I can’t make it there I can’t make it anywhere being battered and bruised and even unloved and unwanted by the devotees.

So I had convinced the devotee in charge of the accommodation to let me stay for a few days, I have already wrote about the mercy Srila Prabhupada showed me for on the very morning of arrival he allowed me to do arati to him. So how could I leave?

But then as I sat in the prasadam room I was asked by one devotee if I would like to do some service; I remember how there was no pressure put on me “you don’t have to if you don’t want to”; but how could I refuse so brush and mop in hand I started on the cleaning.

The following day the same devotee came up and asked if I wanted to do some service again, this time with the question do I mind heights as there was the high clean to be done in the temple room; for me this is one of the sweetest services that can be done and one I miss.

But the other month after many years traveling down to the Manor I realized that I’ve never just visited, you know stopped and done no service for how could I go to the Manor and do no service? This thought seems strange as everything even eating prasadam is service.

But one thing that strikes me is that the temple devotees work so hard all through the year but when was the last time you heard them complain about it?

Even when they are so rushed of there feet with so many people asking this or that, demanding this or that, even when there is urgent need for help they just smile, tolerate and do the best they can.

So my humble request is each and every time we visit our temples and centers take the time to do some service, ask if there’s anything you can do.

If the prasadam queue is going to slow, check and if there is only a few devotees serving several preparations ask if you can also serve.

When we are approaching festivals ask if there is anything that can be done; even the smallest thing can make a big diffrence.

I remember after my first visit the devotee in charge of the accommodation came up, so when you coming back I can book you in now. And so each and every month there was a small spot for me every time and some amazing service to be done.

It recharges the batteries and focuses the mind on Krishna, whilst giving you some close association with some amazing devotees.

As we chant

HARE KRISHNA, HARE KRISHNA, KRISHNA KRISHNA, HARE HARE
HARE RAMA, HARE RAME, RAME RAME, HARE HARE.

Were asking krishna please engage me in your service; what sweeter service can there be than helping the devotees who have dedicated there life’s to helping others.

For if we want to know why the Manor is so beautiful then we have to look at the devotees there just rendering selfless service each day, can we also show such selfless by helping even if it’s just a little?

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This morning I was listening to the news there was a notation to the lengths people were going to in order to be in South Africa to see the world cup final.

Many had spent there life savings, or run up a huge credit bill, taking many flights and road-trips just to be a part of history that is if there country wins.

Myself I’ve tried my best to avoid any of it, but it has got me thinking about our own efforts and dedication and how we have to be attached or follow something and the great efforts taken in making it happen; nothing will get in the way any obstacle will be overcome as we show the greatest determination to achieve our goal.

But do we show the same determination as devotees?
Or are we sidetracked by other things, is our efforts put into things other than progression in devotional life?

It got me thinking what lengths do we go to in order to progress spiritually, what does devotional life mean and what then does it require of us?

Is it simply the chanting of the sixteen rounds of Japa and four regs? May be sprinkled with some deity worship and reading when we can fit it in? Or is it more?

Am I settled in just sitting at home watching the football on the TV or am I determined in my love for the sport to go and fully take part in the experience? This applies to any endeavor that we see important how much do we put into it a little or a lot?

Are we just happy to tumble along do a little and well that’s it?
Are we just happy to do the minimum I’ve done my rounds and not broken any of the regs? Go me!

Or are we like those football fanatics a devotee fanatic?

I’m going to do as much as I can, fully determined and focused not just satisfied with the minimum but can I each day do a little more.

Each day I am reminded of the challenge given me by my Guru Maharaja to use my job and skills to save not the body but spirit soul, a thought that in many ways has grown into an obsession and has given me many inspirational stories to tell of the amazing mercy Krishna shows.

If we are inspiring for, about to be or are initiated we should understand that what is requested is the minimum NOT the end; the START not the finish a point I have to remind myself of each and every day.

As the football fan’s show great determination to get to a match we should put the same effort in connecting to Krishna each and every day; serve others and share love of Krishna with anyone and everyone we meet.

For the end result is more precious than watching our country of football team win a game, and our efforts can also help others progress also in re-connecting with Krishna.

The question is are we willing to show such determination?

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HH Mahavishnu Swami has recently changed his web-address and is also asking devotees if they can compose/write articles for it.

The web-address is as follows: http://www.mahavishnuswami.net/

Here is a small though I had but the stream or thought applies to how we view all our spiritual masters:

Pondering and thinking of the importance of our ever well wishers and the changes they make in our lives making us balance the fine line between material needs of the body and the more important spiritual needs of the soul, something many of us manage to get wrong with almost fatalistic regularity.

I was reading the other day how Krishna does not accept food made in an untidy kitchen, an unclean kitchen or house reflects the deeper spiritual understanding truly cleanliness in next to godliness

It reminded me of the first time HH Mahavishnu Swami stayed at my home an event I was recently recalling to a senior devotee.

Although I had recently also had some of his senior disciples stay as most visitors they could see some faults but out of respect and social rules said nothing (we don’t want to offend do we?)

But this is the mercy of the spiritual master they overlook what could be seen as social rules not because they are ignorant of them but to help us progress, make corrections and expand further in devotional life.

So I was recalling how on the visit of HH Mahavishnu Swami he immediately started not only to pick up on the faults in my home, but also the way I did certain things; and yes it wasn’t long before I became a little fried by this. The false ego says “who is this guy how ungrateful, in fact how dare he come here and say such things it truly isn’t that bad” but the spirit soul the spirit soul is rejoicing as it listens to how it can reconnect more with Krishna.

But it also shows the mercy of the spiritual master for it is out of love that these things are highlighted with a simple explanation given how even subtile changes brings the spirit soul closer to Krishna and how even on the material plain we benefit; the balance is fine and the spiritual master sees this.

As the visit progressed the benefits of the changes being asked to be made by HH Mahavishnu Swami from Kitchen standards to even the deity dress really made a big difference; only the spiritual master is aware of the true subtitles one very small change can make a big difference what to say of a big change?

But it also shows that uniqueness of the relationship are we willing to listen to follow even if our own ego’s may be smashed or our feeling temporarily hurt?

For this is the biggest mercy to destroy our false ego, our pride and the false identification of self and help us reconnect with our spirit souls.

There are few spiritual masters who like HH Mahavishnu Swami visits and stays with devotees, living with them for a few days rather than stopping in temples or a few senior devotee homes; a unique mercy especially those like me that live in outlying areas away from the big towns and who get little devotee association.

The fact that he took time to stay and showed love in correcting, means also that I have to be willing to listen to this instruction, follow it, and then true spiritual progress can be made. Serving our spiritual master and opening up our homes is a unique and special mercy the question is do we truly appreciate this?

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The other day I was reminded of how easy it can be to be lulled into a false sense of security especially when it comes to our devotional life, thinking one self secure or more elevated than we truly are.

My mind wondered to a devotee who I knew some time ago, he was one of the first men I meet as for the first six months I only had the association of the mataji’s. I was mesmerized by his knowledge that appeared to surpass that of the devotees who’s association I had had up to that time.

But as time went on things didn’t appear quite the way they should, especially as they described themselves as one of the only few pure devotees, my basic understanding at that time was the purest devotee at that time HDG Srila Prabhupada was so humble he never described himself as pure.

Then came the delusion I am so pure that unlike other devotees I can do so many things and not be contaminated; I remember sitting one day and watching a video of the early days of ISKCON so many wonderful devotees so much enthusiasm could I experience and do the same today?

Sadly the work of these devotees were lost, well he wasn’t serious, they did this, they ended up doing that, this one left in disgrace, there no longer a devotee. But in reality with out them there would be no ISKCON, no wonderful books, no expansion; but the devotee explained that only pure devotees like him could understand or experience the real meaning of Krishna.

I remember also how quickly he left and stopped practicing himself, no one truly knows what happened or when he actually left, it was sudden and closely followed by those who had alined themselves with him and felt the same way.

It’s a thought that periodically enters my mind and in many ways scares me

How quickly even in this lifetime we can forget Krishna
And how quickly we find fault with devotees, past and present; not seeing beyond the material faults and personalities and seeing the service and difference made and even expansion of Krishna Consciousness through out the world.

And reminds me that I have to be constantly on the guard for I too can easily fall in to the trap of thinking I’ve made it and maya has no control over me; for this is the biggest illusion that can overtake devotees.

And also reminds me of the importance of following the instructions of Srila Prabhupada, my guru maharaja and promises made at initiation and how what is asked is asked simply to safe guard me from once again forgetting Krishna.

For I have seem practically how quickly and subtilely this can happen and it truly does scare me.

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As a young child I remember asking some of the members at the Kingdom Hall we went to what happened to the animals when they die; if as humans we can either go to heaven or eternal death then what happens to them.

Well they die came the answer, you see god put them here for our pleasure and for food so they are not meant to live forever.

This answer for me felt incomplete, what if I was born as an animal and not human, then would my life be meaningless even if to say I was a good and faithful dog or a cow that gave such lovely milk or a cat that entertained. This appeared to me to show that in truth god really wasn’t very loving nor caring.

Later on I remember watching the news and these nice people who appeared to only want to worship god in there own way were banned by the then UK Government, again I asked questions and said may be we should say something for if they can ban these people from worshiping god then they can ban anyone even us.

The answer was a stern, god has stopped them from worshiping because they are doing the devils work they are demons. They do not know who god is or how to worship them and so god has stopped them.; again I felt the answer was incomplete, if god is loving then why stop them from trying to worship him no matter how badly they were doing it.

The preaching work was first everyone had to know about Jehovah for once they do then the end will come, we would have paradise on earth and after one last test after a 1000 years we would if we passed be allowed to live forever, never getting old or dying; we will be ruled by the 144,000 justly and there will be eternal peace and all my needs will be met; who could wish for more, well unless your one of the poor animals I guess.

But again I had questions, but what about those who didn’t get a chance, those who were alive before the formation of the Jehovah’s witnesses and what about those who already followed a faith and had some love of god.

Again too many questions after all the bible is clear isn’t it, you not reading it? Those who died before will be resurrected and given a chance and if they reject then eternally die. And as for the others since they have heard and have rejected so they will be killed eternally.

But god is love surely this shows a lack of love, may be.

Ok so here was some questions as a young child (not even in high school, the naïve incomplete thoughts without the ability of seeing things in a grown-up way) but to me god appeared uncaring even unjust in many ways how could he claim to be one thing whilst presenting in another?

Why would he say for us not to take blood but then allow us to eat meat? As this must contain blood? Although I was laughed at for this view.

Even my own salvation was not assured for god could find fault in a heartbeat and I will not be allowed into the kingdom of god even if I had been loyal and followed as best I could; after all scripture says may will come claiming to have done so many things in his name but he would simply say go away I do not know you.

Not to mention the war’s, famines, diseases and poverty? How can god be love if this is what we see after all this is the experience of the many rather than the few.

Again it’s because they are in some way ungodly and they are being punished for there sin, but what sin?

What has the baby done who is suckling on the mothers breast who cannot feed them as she doesn’t have milk to give; explain god’s love in that.

As I looked and listened to different faiths I heard almost the same rhetoric animals are put here by god for us to enjoy and eat and once dead are eternally dead for this is why god desires it and why they were put on the earth. The only way to god is through our faith, by following my sect or denomination no other for they will take you to hell. God allows people to suffer for these show us that the time of this world is at an end.

But if god is love, then were is it?

How can god be loving if he has created life just to be killed and ate with no hope of salvation?

How can god be love if even the sincere person who is worshiping him in a way they feel is right taking into account what they have read, simply be killed forever with no acknowledgment of there efforts or determination?

And why so much suffering for what appears so many innocent people?

Questions, Questions, Questions.

As a young child I was asked were is your faith, just trust in god it is not for us to ask questions of god but to believe and follow.

But the bible says “seek and thy shall find” and to me that meant we must be able to ask questions for out of questions we get answers and out of answers we find the truth may be?

One of the songs sung regularly at the kingdom hall as a child had the words that I have never forgotten and which has always fascinated me:

“Fear not those who kill the body
But cannot destroy the soul
Faithful to the end continue
I will bring you to your goal”

But if death means the end then I should fear the person who kills the body, right? So the soul must be something separate from the body as it cannot be destroyed?

Well not to worry god has recorded it in his books of life/death and depending on how I lived my life is depending on which one I end up in, again a strange answer that never truly explained the soul for if I was put into the book of death and I am already dead so have no thought or knowledge then why worry?

Simply eat, drink and be merry right for tomorrow I will be eternally dead?

Childhood questions, from a mind that was fascinated by scripture but found more questions than answers.

But then from these simplest questions came a strange journey and the belief that one day I would discover what is god’s love, in what form is it and how does he show it.

But god loved me so much he gave me some intelligence as a child to ask questions and a thirst to find the answers; may be this is god’s greatest love allowing me to find out and discover at my own pace and speed rather than forcing me or expecting me to just blindly believe and follow.

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Recently it appeared that everyone I talked to had what I thought were stable relationships but then having them tell me it’s now over “we’ve split up”some of whom I had not long since been to there wedding or so it felt whilst others who had announced there expected marriage were no longer again announcing a split up. And a select few who’s changes in partner I gave up trying to follow some time ago as they always appear to have someone new on their arms.

Then I read an article on one of the devotee article feeds and the mataji writing it also noted the same thing and that for each breakup there was a notation that some reasons was given, well it’s like this, the person was like that, they did this, we couldn’t agree on that.

But in reality it could simply be down to the fact that our own personal desires are not getting met; as not one was in what could be described as an abusive relationship from what they were telling me; although this could be an over simplification.

Desire though is a strange thing leading to what we believe is our own needs and want’s and in many ways makes up who we are; and we all look for them to be fulfilled and in order to do this we move from one living entirety to another will they give me the love and protection I need and fulfill all my desires.

In reality only Krishna can do this, but many like me are not on that platform or level of realization sadly we look to imperfect living entities for the answer rather than Krishna and his pure devotees. But I am reminded that any relationship is only worth while if it helps both extend and helps us grow in Krishna Consciousness otherwise there is little gain other than a temporary reprieve of sense enjoyment before the problems appear.

The mataji however points out that we see many fine examples of devotees who have successfully grown in a relationship that has fulfilled both material desire for family and home along with spiritual growth; and if we talk to them we see that they have had to work hard at both it has not been an easy ride but one that has proved of benefit. And as my guru maharaja often says don’t ask me about relationship problems go and seek a devotee who are married and would and are in a better position to advise and help.

Over the years there has been a personal small desire that one day I would settle down into some form of family life, but in reality I am hopeless in relationships having only ever had the one girlfriend which to say it was a disaster would be an understatement; but the hope that one day I would meet the right person remained.

I recall being envious of friends and work colleges who would attract people or have dates without even having to try, several would just walk into a room and immediately those in the room would turn and notice them; even coming onto them in a very overt manor. “Why ow why does no one notice me?” came the thought but in reality I’m uninspiring and boring a friend to turn to in hard times but relationship no way.

But how ow how I desired to have that something that sent the girls wild; why was I blessed with zero personality and the looks not to die for; curse this body and personality.

But as time moves on and I listen to stories of failed love, of desires and hopes that have been crushed a part of me is grateful that I never have this problem to deal. My friend who has had so many relationships wishes for just one that would last more than a couple of months or a few years, my female friends who wish just for that man who would love and care and appreciate the little things they do. The emotional roller-coaster that appears never to end being driven by may be, just may be this is the right one this person will fulfill my desire.

It occurred to me that we put so much energy into the pursuit of the perfect partner, that special someone but then we refuse to or do not wish to put the same effort into something more important pursuit of devotional life; how to serve Krishna, the devotees and others. Seeing the needs of ourselves above and beyond that of others, being selfish rather than selfless.

And this pursuit of desire, the fulfillment of my desire, my needs, me first bubbles over into our relationships with others in essence the relationship breaks up because we feel our own needs are not being met; this covers all aspects of our lives, loves, work, relationships it is all about me.

When you talk to those who have been together for a long time then you see there is constant adjustment, constant changes and even an acknowledgment of own personal failings or faults; working through troubles and hard times; but most important with a common goal and aim and the desire to just make it work.

For successfully devotee relationship’s this is the desire to both advance spiritually to raise a family in a Krishna Conscious manor and to follow direction of there spiritual master whilst seeking guidance from devotees when problems occur; but like our everyday products that are thrown if they break or cause problems instead of fixing we throw out one person after another hurting not only them but ourselves in the process.

My own realization is that actually I’m such a disaster when it comes to relationship that actually it would be destructive for both, so why put any energy into it? What is to gain? Nothing.

So I am thankful that I do not turn heads, I do not have girls pursuing me, but I can just come and go without hinderance, that I am not battered and torn going from one relationship to another hoping that may be just may be this will be the one.

And that the best thing is to learn more and use the opportunities Krishna gives me to help those who come to me for help advance to see that in the material world there is only one pursuit we should engage in and thats anything and everything that helps us advance in spiritual life.

And that if we want to have a relationship’s it should be based not purely on the desire to have our own desires fulfilled but on the pursuit of helping each other advance spiritually and making sure that this is the last life we have to take in the material world and return home, back to god head.

After all there is great strength in single life.

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